Joined August 2008
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20 Dec 2017
De-Escalate available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and your local bookseller! #mustread #Paperback #Audible #nook
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Feeling overwhelmed isn't a character flaw.
It's your brain hitting its processing limit.
The amygdala fires. biology takes over. Trying harder to control it just makes it worse.
Neuroscience explains why.
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Your emotions aren't the problem.
Nobody ever taught you what's actually happening in your brain when they hit.
22 years as a trial lawyer taught me more about this than any therapist.
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Jun 12
Once you start naming other people's emotions, you stop getting triggered.
It's neurologically impossible to focus on their emotional state and your own reaction at the same time.
The moment you name what they're feeling, your amygdala can't fire at full strength.
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Jun 12
When someone comes at you with hostility, their brain is flooded.
They're running on old programming. You get triggered because you're listening to their words.
But the words are coming from a flooded brain. Name the emotion underneath instead.
Link in bio.
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Jun 12
Anger has a 90 second half-life.
After that, the chemicals are gone.
If you're still angry an hour later, you're not reacting anymore.
You're replaying. the loop in your head is doing the damage, not the actual moment.
Link in bio for the full video.
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Jun 11
Most people think they have an anger problem.
They don't. they have a perception problem.
Anger is just a signal, something underneath got triggered.
Find what's actually there, or it keeps coming back.
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Jun 11
What if I told you anger can disappear in 90 seconds.
But only if you stop trying to control it.
I taught this to people in max security prisons, it worked every time.
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Jun 10
Your emotions aren't the problem.
Not knowing what to do with them is.
People serving life sentences and fortune 500 ceos trained this and stopped having fights.
Not because they stopped feeling.
Because they stopped letting feelings drive behavior.
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Jun 10
The goal isn't to kill the emotion.
It's to create space between feeling it and acting on it.
That gap is where the choice lives.
Name it. Breathe. Wait 90 seconds.
Then decide.
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Jun 9
Stage 3 is where most leaders live.
Calm outside. Boiling inside.
That's not regulation. That's a pressure cooker.
Real regulation is stage 4: your prefrontal cortex feels the emotion and chooses how to express it.
It's a skill, not a personality.
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Jun 9
Your brain runs 3 questions every microsecond:
Am I safe?
Can I trust you?
Do I matter to you?
One "no" and the amygdala fires. Logic goes offline.
That's not a personality flaw. It's a brain event. Happens to everyone.
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Jun 9
Most people think reacting in the heat of the moment is just who they are.
It's not. It's a broken OS.
There are 4 levels of emotional regulation. Most are stuck at level 0.
Level 4? You stop reacting and start choosing how you feel.
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Jun 5
You can borrow calm from another nervous system.
Turbulence hits, you look at the flight attendant, she's calm, so you calm down.
You didn't need the aerodynamics, just her regulated presence.
That's co-regulation. Works the same between a leader and a team.
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Jun 5
When a kid melts down over a grilled cheese cut wrong, they're not being manipulative.
Their emotional load just exceeded their skills.
The sandwich isn't the issue. The overflow is.
And the same thing plays out in boardrooms and bedrooms every day.
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Jun 5
Most people think emotional meltdowns are a character flaw.
They're not.
They're a skill gap.
The smartest people lose it the moment their emotions get too big.
It has nothing to do with IQ and everything to do with the fact nobody taught them to regulate.
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Jun 2
Nobody taught you how to regulate your emotions. That's not your fault.
Dysregulation isn't weakness. It's a skill gap.
And skill gaps can be closed.
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Jun 2
When someone's dysregulated, stop reasoning with them.
Name what they feel instead.
"You're angry." "You feel overwhelmed."
That one move drops amygdala activity. Their brain literally calms down.
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May 30
My TEDx talk, Listen Someone Into Existence, just dropped. This talk will show you how to stop fights and arguments forever. Share it and help me change our world.youtube.com/watch?v=rL_m78zdâŚ
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May 20
You can't logic someone out of a fight. They need to feel seen first.
skip 'I feel.' say 'you feel frustrated.' 'You feel dismissed.'
Labeling what they feel quiets their amygdala in 90 seconds.
No questions. no passive aggression.
Just name it.
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May 20
"Did you mean to insult me?" triggers their amygdala every time.
Just say "you feel insulted."
Two words. No defensiveness. No battle.
That's the whole trick.
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