Joined March 2009
- Tweets 7,945
- Following 1,033
- Followers 25,560
- Likes 54,865
353 Photos and videos
Jun 12
You are immortal. From the day Jesus is born, you are given 1 million dollars every single day. You still do not have 1 trillion dollars.
Jun 12
Breaking News: Elon Musk became the world’s first trillionaire as SpaceX shares soared above $150 on its first day of trading. nyti.ms/4uvca5a
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Jun 5
The hipster music discourse is just people naming bands that were in American Apparel commercials? My man, I know bands that only released albums on wax phonograph cylinder. I know bands whose vinyls were just slices of ham. I've seen Glenn Branca get a root canal live on stage.
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Jun 2
After yet another falling out with a friend, for the last time: Snap, Crackle, and Pop are gnomes, not elves. Elves make toys, cookies, and go to Mordor. Gnomes live in gardens and make cereal. Couldn't be simpler. Pointy ears don't mean "elf". Was Spock an elf? Get real.
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May 28
I know marriage is a human concept but these cats living on my deck are married, sure of it
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May 24
Happy "the worst people you know are inexplicably on vacation in Italy" Season!
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May 14
I got a 30 minute dental surgery last week, was given Versed for anesthesia, blacked out for 5 hours, and seem to have impulse-bought a 3D printer. Very wholesome. Love that my subconscious was like "hey man, no time for weird texts, we need bespoke knickknacks".
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May 7
Everyone brush up on Iambic Pentameter, we're fixin' to have a rat plague.
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May 2
I like how they named it French Onion Soup because they assumed that surely other countries have an onion soup.
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Mar 29
why, has blockading cuba from russia gotten weird before?
Mar 29
Breaking News: The U.S. will allow a Russian oil tanker to reach Cuba, letting critical fuel in after months of what amounted to a blockade. nyti.ms/4ddfEEw
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Mar 13
Visited the Hoover Dam. I can't even imagine the size of those beavers.
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Mar 6
i know a lot's going on but check out my new sponge holder
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Feb 11
At the Kid Rock show, a couple got divorced live on stage
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Feb 7
"she could tighten up that triple-axel" I mumble to the television, cracking open my second sleeve of Oreos.
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Feb 3
They should do a rival Puppy Bowl too, they already have the dog whistles.
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Jan 30
There's no such thing as one trip to Home Depot. The exit sign should just say "see you in an hour".
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Jesse Case retweeted
13 Jan 2024
My phone got an "extreme cold" alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
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Jan 19
Greenland should just legally change its name to Epstein Island, get this upheaval wrapped up by dinner.
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