"I warmly welcome" = I had nothing to do with this but I need to look relevant.
"This is a hugely important step forward" = Trump did in weeks what I couldn't do in a lifetime, but I'll use the same words to sound equally important.
"I congratulate President Trump" = I spent years calling him a fascist and a threat to democracy, but now he's popular again so I'm pretending I always respected him.
"The mediators from Pakistan, Qatar and elsewhere" = I am not mentioned because nobody asked me. I am irrelevant to this deal. I am watching from the sidelines while real leaders make peace.
"We have long urged de-escalation" = I have said words. Trump has done actions. Please do not compare us.
"Our priority is that this becomes a durable and lasting peace" = Unlike my domestic policy which is neither durable nor lasting nor peaceful.
"We stand ready to support the technical talks" = We will send one junior diplomat and claim credit.
"Standing up the defensive, independent multilateral mission" = France actually did the work. I am attaching myself to their achievement like a remora fish.
"For any peace to endure" = For any peace to endure, leaders must actually lead. Which is why I'm writing statements instead of governing.
"It remains the UK's firm and longstanding position" = It remains my firm and longstanding position to say things that sound important while my country falls apart behind me.
KEIR STARMER, PRIME MINISTER = KEIR STARMER, MAN WHO WOULD BE RELEVANT.