ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɪꜱ ɢᴀꜱʟɪɢʜᴛɪɴɢ?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that causes someone to question their own perceptions, memories, feelings, or reality. Its power lies in its subtlety. Rather than obvious lies or overt abuse, gaslighting often arrives disguised as concern, humour, denial, minimisation, or repeated contradiction.
Over time, the target may begin to distrust their own judgment and rely more heavily on the gaslighter’s version of events.
🎭People who use gaslighting are not all the same. Some do it deliberately to gain control, avoid accountability, maintain power, or protect a fragile self-image. It is commonly associated with narcissistic, abusive, or highly manipulative personalities.
However, gaslighting can also occur unintentionally. Someone who is emotionally immature, defensive, conflict-avoidant, or unable to tolerate being wrong may habitually dismiss another person’s experiences without consciously intending harm.
Subtle gaslighting can sound like: “You’re too sensitive,” “That never happened,” “You’re remembering it wrong,” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
😏Even when unintended, these responses can be deeply damaging because they invalidate another person’s reality. The message received is not merely disagreement, but that their thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and experiences are somehow flawed or untrustworthy.
The cumulative effect can be profound. Repeated gaslighting often erodes confidence, increases self-doubt, creates confusion, and diminishes a person’s trust in their own instincts. Like water slowly wearing away stone, its impact is often felt not in a single moment, but in the gradual undermining of a person’s sense of self and confidence in their own truth. 🌿
It can be, but not always.
“I was only joking” becomes a form of gaslighting when it is repeatedly used to dismiss, excuse, or invalidate the impact of hurtful comments. In those situations, the focus shifts away from the person’s behaviour and onto the target’s reaction. The implied message becomes: “The problem isn’t what I said, it’s that you’re interpreting it wrong.”
👉🏻For example, if someone makes a cutting remark, sees that it hurts, and then responds with “I was only joking” or “Can’t you take a joke?”, they may be minimising the other person’s experience rather than taking responsibility for the effect of their words. When this pattern occurs frequently, the recipient can start questioning whether they are genuinely hurt, “too sensitive,” or overreacting, which is where gaslighting territory begins.
That said, not every use of “I was only joking” is manipulative. Sometimes people genuinely misjudge humour, realise they’ve upset someone, and clarify their intent while still acknowledging the impact. A healthy response sounds more like: “I was trying to be funny, but I can see it hurt you. I’m sorry.” The key difference is that the person’s feelings are validated rather than dismissed.
A useful rule of thumb: if “I was only joking” is used occasionally to explain intent, it’s usually just clarification. If it’s used repeatedly to avoid accountability, shut down discussion, or make someone doubt their right to be upset, it can become a subtle and corrosive form of gaslighting.
As the saying goes, jokes are like arrows. Once they’ve landed, the speaker doesn’t get to decide whether they left a wound. 🎯