Bro, I am at my local dive bar right now and I think Iโm hallucinating.
Iโm sitting in the corner, minding my own business, when I look over by the locked backdoor. Thereโs this tall, lanky purple rabbit dude crouching there like a total fucking tease. Heโs got that signature smug, shit-eating grin even while panicking, long-ass ears flopping slightly, and that lean, athletic build with those endless legs and a perky little cotton tail thatโs just begging to be grabbed. His blue overalls are hugging his narrow waist and that tight rabbit ass perfectly, yellow accents popping against his purple fur in ways that hit every degenerate furry itch I didnโt even know I had. He looks completely mentally wrecked in the hottest possible way. Pure chaotic bottom energy. My gay ass immediately decides I need to shoot my shot and claim that rabbit hole.
As I get closer, I realize heโs actively having a full-blown crisis. His big yellow eyes are spinning like roulette wheels and heโs aggressively whispering to himself.
"I can't take this anymore! Make this nightmare stop. How the fuck do I leave?!"
Heโs spiraling hard, but Iโm already locked in. I put on my gentlest, most โI promise Iโm not gonna pin you against the wallโฆ unless you want me toโ voice and say, โHey.โ
He jumps three feet into the air. โJesus fucking Christ!โ
โWhoa, whoa, easy there, bunny boy,โ I say, holding up my hands like Iโm calming down the worldโs horniest stray. โDidnโt mean to scare you. But if youโre trying to use that backdoor to escape, give up. Itโs been locked since 2018. But listenโฆ I know another exit if youโre trying to get out of here.โ
He looks at me, hyperventilating, those big spinning eyes wide and desperate. โAh... oh, uhโฆ sorry. Yes, please, just get me out of here! I don't want to be here. I never asked for this! I just want to go home but I don't know how. I don't think I ever will. I got dragged into this. I'm trapped forever. Fuck. Shit. Ahhh!โ
At this exact moment, my brain does a quick risk-assessment. Iโm staring at this purple rabbit twink like holy shit, this boy has enough emotional baggage to fill a Boeing 747 and I still wanna rail him senseless in the alley. This is way too much psychological labor just for a chance to get my face buried in that fluffy purple ass, you know what I mean? But Iโm already committed to the bit. I am simply too deep in the gay trenches to back out now. I gotta see this through and secure that digital rabbit ass.
โHey, hey, okay, listen to me,โ I say, trying to sound like a hero while my dick is already half-hard. โI know where the exit is. Itโs through the kitchen. Itโs chaotic in there right now, but Iโm a regular. Jack the cook is about to go out for a smoke break, and we can slip out right behind him. Itโs gonna be okay, I got you, baby.โ
The panic in his eyes drops by like 5%, but he still looks at me like Iโm about to kidnap and breed him. โWho are you? Why are you even helping me?โ
I give him my best lazy, troubled-boy shrug, letting my eyes drag slowly down his long body. โHonestly? You just reminded me of myself when my anxiety hits. I might look chill, but inside, Iโm a certified ball of hot mess who wants to pin those long ears back and make you forget all your problems. Usually, this place is my escape from reality, but that whole scene up front is a riot tonight. The front door is a death trap, so I was already planning on sneaking out the back. You wanna come with me, handsome?โ
That โanxiety soulmateโ speech was a complete lie, obviously. Iโm honestly impressed with how fast I came up with that on the fly. I had noticed earlier that he kept eyeballing the chaos, and things clearly werenโt going great. Good for me. One step closer to smacking those tight purple cakes. Booyah!