😂😂 Okay, buckle up, buttercups — here’s the deluxe, extra-spicy, comedy-roast edition:
I’ve come to realize that even though I’m minding my own fabulous business, jet-setting around like the queen I am, these clowns still can’t stop yapping about me in the spaces. Baby, I’m not even in the country and y’all are still auditioning for the role of “Main Character in My Life.” Newsflash: The position has been filled… by NO ONE.
Let me make this crystal clear so even the slowest FOBs in the back can understand: We are never, EVER sitting together. Not in this life, not in the next, not even if we’re the last two humans on Earth and the zombies are coming.
Exhibit A: SP
Bro, I’ve been to England four times since we parted ways and I never once dialed your number, cried “boo hoo,” or begged for a ring. The only thing I’d call you for is to tell you to stop lying in spaces like a cheap rug. I know you better than your own shadow, darling. You’re not aggressive, you’re aggressively lazy. I’d rather chew broken glass while doing taxes than spend a single day with you. Pass. Hard pass. Olympic-level pass.
JOGGER
This dude is so full of himself he probably needs a separate passport for his ego. Thinks he’s Einstein but talks like he swallowed a potato. Sir, that Indian accent of yours? It’s not charming the room, it’s clearing it. Next!
ZERO DOT
A 40-year-old eternal PhD student still “figuring it out.” My brother in Christ, half your life is already in the rearview mirror and you’re out here dithering like it’s a hobby. The only thing you’ve mastered is being a loudmouth loser. 😂😂 Keep that same energy when your student loans start collecting social security.
SP (again, because he deserves double roast)
A certified megalomaniac with the insecurity of a TikTok influencer who just got ratio’d. Dishonest, manipulative, and faker than the “Louis Vuitton” bags in the Grand Bazaar.
FARAH D
Sweetheart, your IQ called — it wants a search party. You speak like a 75-year-old auntie who’s had three cups of chai and zero sleep. Complaining about me to mere mortals? Bold. I dare you to go whine to Allah. Watch Him look at me, wink, and say, “Shabash beti! What else can I do for you, my favorite drama-proof princess?” 💅
MAHLEEJ
User. Sneaky. Lazy. The holy trinity of “why are you like this?” I’m saving a whole dedicated space for you and Harris when I’m back in Canada. Popcorn’s on me.
ASS-FUND
His speaking style is so boring it could put a Red Bull factory to sleep. Bro doesn’t run his own space — his space runs him. He’s basically a paper bag in a hurricane: full of hot air and completely directionless.
APSARA
Every woman on Twitter secretly hates her but tolerates her because she’s a professional man-pleaser. The only guy with balls is Stephen the rest are hiding behind SP so they don’t get cancelled by daddy. The second Stephen checks her, she tucks her tail like a guilty cat and vanishes. Iconic.
So yeah, keep talking about me, FOBs. I’ll be over here living my best life, traveling, thriving, and collecting zero clowns. After today, I’m officially muting the circus.
You’re not invited to the show. Ever.
✈️🇨🇦 Mic drop from 30000 feet!