professional amateur
Joined May 2009
- Tweets 1,275
- Following 218
- Followers 159
- Likes 21
Photos and videos
24 Sep 2019
Support me in raising funds and awareness for the DGR by dressing dapper and riding for prostate cancer and men's mental health. gentlemansride.com/s/335977/…
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24 Jul 2019
Do any of my friends still use twitter? I'm only reminded about it when someone tries to reset my password and I get a notification.
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7 Nov 2018
They ran out of "I voted" stickers last night. I almost reached into the box to pull my ballot out in protest.
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3 May 2018
My wife thinks that I spend too much time on my phone and don't pay attention to her. Hold on, she's saying something else now.
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11 Apr 2018
Do people still make magazine racks for the bathroom or did those go extinct when smartphones were invented?
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30 Mar 2018
Had to park crooked between 2 a*holes who don't know how to park. Now that they're gone I look like an a*hole.
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6 Mar 2018
Check engine light came up on the used car I've owned for a month. Turns out I'm low on washer fluid. Close one. #bmw
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22 Aug 2017
The sun blacks out at 10am on a Monday when I'm at work and it's a "natural phenomenon." When I do that it's a "problem."
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30 Apr 2017
Ten attempts to reset my twitter password in the last 10 seconds? Nice try North Korea.
22 Dec 2016
I ordered a medium hot coffee. Turns out it was all the way hot because I still burned my tongue. #adulting
7 Dec 2016
"I've never been this hungry in my entire life." - me every two hours
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25 Oct 2016
If 50% of the my body is water, 100% of that should be coffee by now.
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18 Oct 2016
Why are tortillas not in the "Hispanic Food" aisle at the grocery store?
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20 Mar 2016
Bad news: forgot wallet at home somewhere. Good news: I can pay for Starbucks and subway with my phone.
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4 Nov 2015
Question for my friends in interracial relationships: how often do people ask if you want separate checks at the end of dinner?
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