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Awful Fantasy @AwfulFantasy

Your best source for the worst Fantasy and Science Fiction. By @MitchellSLucas and @JustinMucus

Joined May 2014
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Captain Shriff addressed the ship AI as alarms sounded. "Ship AI, engage defense laser systems." "That's a great idea—and one worthy of a Captain. Engaging the defense laser array isn't just a great defensive maneuver, that's taking a laser bath." "The hell does that mean?"
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bsky.app/profile/awfulfantas…
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Elimas looked at Aermyn in anticipation, the waterfall of Rivendell almost deafening behind them. Aermyn finally spoke. “I really like you Elimas, just not… like that.” Elimas sighed. He should have known he would be mellon-zoned.
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The vault-door shut behind Edward, leaving only one sound: the whistlin' wind of the apocalyptic wasteland before him — it was actually all around him (the vault door wasn't very high; he wasn't very short, either... (his mom used to say, "[Edward], you're tall-ish!")).
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Gohk scanned the food on the table at the Orc BBQ he reluctantly attended—Elf ear salad, Elf burgers, 2 liters of fizzy Elf milk. It was so hard to be an Elvegan in this day and age. To top it all off, no one had touched the Elv'n nuggets he brought.
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Pipo could feel his body compress as an unseen magic wrapped him as tight as a letter in an envelope! "To whom it may concern," this letter might read, "I fear I may be squeezed to death soon. Please open the envelope and let me out as soon as you are able. Regards, Pipo."
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"It'll never work between us, Diara. You being a Mummula, and me a Weremer Werewolf." Diara teared up. "Who cares if I'm half mummy and half Dracula! And who cares if the top half of you turns into a wolf during a full moon while the bottom half turns into a fish at high tide!"
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Tarn saddled the horse and hopped on, hoping he could remember how to ride. He let out a breathy whistle and rocked back and forth a bit, lightly tapping the horse's flanks with his heels. "Hyah!" he half whispered to himself as his hat fell off and landed in a puddle nearby.
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“Run, El’nir! There is no saving your dwarf friend! The Succubus has ensnared him in her spell!” El’nir spun back to Begras, “Snap out of it!” Indeed he was too far gone. “HUMINA HUMINA HUMINA,” said Begras. El’nir sobbed as steam shot out of the dwarf’s ears. “AWOOGA!” he added.
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He looked at her trembling in the alley. “I sense great power in you. You lived your life as a beggar and a thief, but I can teach you to use that power!” “But I can’t leave, I have no money for travel,” she said. “Fear not, it’s prophecy! And I’ve started a GoFundMe for you.”
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The necromancer Minufir showed his new e-reader to Lucifen, “All of my dark spells in here now. Much easier.” Lucifen grunted. “I dunno, there’s just something about the smell of mummified skin pages and the sound of anguished wails from a newly cursed tome that can’t be beat.”
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"The creature could be disguised as any one of us!" said John. "It could, and I figured out who it is," answered Dr. Wong. "It's you!" She pointed a finger directly at YOU, the reader! Didn't see that coming, did you? Are you sure you're human? This is a fun book, huh?
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We can't sit by and not let you know that Garth Marenghi has finally released GARTH MARENGHI'S TERRORTOME. Three bone chilling tales 30 years in the making.
Matthew Holness@MrHolness
14 Nov 2022
US followers, you can now order GARTH MARENGHI’S TERRORTOME in hardback direct from Amazon.com amazon.com/Garth-Marenghis-T…
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Spinax pleaded with his skeletal wife as she furiously packed her body bag. “I can explain!” “Really? You were watching HUMAN porn! They're centuries younger than you! I’ll be at my sister’s mausoleum. I don't know how you can be undead with yourself.” She clattered out the door.
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The dragon roared as it took to the air, where its might would truly be known. Suddenly, though, it flew in a loop and took to the ground, instead. Ah, the ground: a dragons true killing field. That's when the beast did a twirl and took to the river. Oh boy, now we're talking...
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She reached the end of the cavernous room and opened the chest. In complete awe, she pulled out a treasure greater than all the jewels of Aranatra: the fabled Heart of Steve. It was difficult for her to really appreciate it with the dude constantly screaming, though.
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As Ted grappled with the zombie, a sandwich fell out of his pocket and landed next to the rotting foot of his attacker. It was a ham and cheese on wheat bread with some lettuce and swiss cheese. There were some tomato slices in there too and mustard. Also a bag of chips fell out.
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“Is that.. the mystical sword, Val-mir?” asked Li’thmil. The Ranger lifted his weapon. “That it is, elf.” The blade glistened in the morning light, a single gem on the pommel shone with an otherworldly glow. Li’thmil saw a Megadeth sticker on the blade. “Badass,” he whispered.
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The Harfoots packed up their hobbit things and started the long trek out of the Southlands. They were a nomadic group, always moving around for no real reason. (Actually it’s because they heard pipe-weed was legal in The Shire but don’t tell your kids that.)
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"Scouts tell me Sauron was spotted in the west. He's building an army," Elrond told Galadriel. "Is he white?" she asked. "Uh, yeah I think so...?" "Good. Otherwise it's not believable nor authentic," she said. Rings of White Power Coming this fall.
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