Showing up isn't enough. I learned this the hard way - by being consistent, present, and available for someone who couldn't choose me. This account is about me learning the balance and difference between effort, capacity, and self-abandonment.

“All I know is I would have saved myself a lot of suffering if I had just given that bread to the pig.” -Peeta Sometimes a movie quote like this one from The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 captures emotion perfectly. Sometimes we think we regret showing up for people because we don’t think they cared in the end and they don’t show up for us. Peeta eventually spends forever with Katniss. This helps prove caring and showing up isn’t the problem. The key is in learning who to show up for.

Today I spoke with someone who once hurt me deeply. For months I carried anger about what happened. Today I found something else instead. Grace. That’s when I knew I was healing.

How many people struggle in dating when things end out of nowhere, even right before a first date? One of the things I'm learning to navigate better, but still failing at, is letting people miss out because of their decision to not follow through on a date with me.

Every time I put myself out there, it feels like I get crushed. I’m learning to not abandon myself, but when dates get cancelled last minute, it’s hard not to take it in the worst way sometimes. When did honesty and communication go out of style in personal relationships?

I didn’t fall in love with what was happening. I fell in love with what I thought could happen. Hope without shared capacity keeps you stuck.

I could rush the writing. Or I could write it well. If I’m going to talk about growth, I should probably practice it first. Still building. Soon.

I kept showing up. But I wasn’t asking why I had to. There’s a difference between commitment and self-abandonment. I’m learning it the hard way.

Intensity isn’t the same thing as security. Someone wanting you in a moment
isn’t the same as someone choosing you consistently. I’m learning the difference. Growth hurts. But it clarifies.

Sometimes we don’t stay because it’s love. We stay because leaving feels like losing. I’m learning that loyalty without reciprocity isn’t noble. It’s self-abandonment. Growth is choosing differently next time.

I used to believe the more I showed up,
the safer the connection would feel. I’m learning safety isn’t built by effort alone. It’s built by mutual capacity. Blog coming soon.

I don’t want to become someone who closes doors out of hurt. But I am learning that access to me is earned by mutual choice.

I didn’t lose her. I lost myself trying not to.

Someone’s intentions matter. Their capacity matters more.

I stopped asking how to be easier to choose. I started asking whether I felt chosen at all.

Something I hope everyone can learn and keep in mind: sometimes the person blocking you is doing so because they can’t handle their very real feelings. It doesn’t make it okay or easy for you. But blocking doesn’t mean a lack of feeling. Sometimes it’s the opposite.

I’ve cried myself to sleep more times than I care to admit. I loved people quickly and easily, even when I probably shouldn’t. I’ve wondered how someone could leave me without an explanation. But I’m here. And I still want to give. I think that’s something to be proud of.