*chance the rapper voice* and we back and we back

You accidentally call ur girl gonpachiro one time and suddenly it’s “no more boar mask”

Left for two minutes and came back to this..

gf just asked me if we’re furries now, hard to blame her

Kids these days don’t even know what a LAN party is

FIRST WORKOUT IN 6 MONTHS CAN I GET A GZ IN THE CHAT

AdventureQuest

just tried to google “how to take a selfie as a 29 year old man” and someone immediately showed up to my door and started beating me with hammers. multiple

they should have zohran chokeslam him center court like a WWE match, Erica Kirk fireworks and everything

If I shaved right now my entire chin would be one giant bruise from smacking the ever loving hell out of myself while shaking a martini earlier today 👍🏻

Day two of trying to ask John Cena why he kept checking out my mom on the set of Daddy’s Home 12 years ago while he’s staying at the hotel I work at

X-Men: Evolution (2001) / Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1999)

Can someone tell me where they’ve been popping up so I can uhhh avoid them

Gonna open an all male gym called gymcel

Things most Americans agree on: Groceries cost too much. Tariffs suck and make no sense. Congress and Presidents shouldn’t trade stocks. The debt is a mess. The border should be secure, but legal immigration is good. Endless wars are stupid, especially ones that nobody wants and have never been explained. Americans are exhausted. AI is like my new best friend that also might be trying to take my job, my ability to think for myself, and my humanity in the process. Yo like I love you, but WTF, but I still love you. Diversity is actually awesome! The opposite is boring AF. Canadians are super fucking cool. Mexicans are chill. Putin isn’t a good guy looking out for America’s best interest. Rocky IV and Miracle are great movies. Good neighbors are a blessing. Freedom of religion and coexistence without having to blow each other up is probably a good idea. We all question, are we alone in the universe? We all fuck up along the way. Epstein didn’t hang himself. The Trumps and Epstein were best friends for decades. It’s like Bert trying to tell us Ernie was just an acquaintance in the same social scene on Sesame Street back in the day. The Cowboys suck. Go Birds! Things we’re told to fight about: Me. Laptop. Vaccines. Transgenders in sports. Pronouns. That’s the joke.

if anyone asks me about my bud light hat at the country bar tonight I’m telling them I’m wearing it the woke way and immediately asking if they have a problem

Gf described a bombshell guy from love island as if Gerard Way and Jamie Campbell Bower (Vecna) had a surfer baby and I was extremely impressed with how accurate that description was when I walked back in from the kitchen

If I’m “stuck” with you I think that will be a wonderful life