RT this one for me folks. It's gonna be a doozy

Got roughed up and Arrested by 20 ICE Agents in Minnesota today for being Awesome in a Giraffe onesie! Here's the unedited widescreen version!🦒💙 Please RT so Elon has to pay me TWITTER AD revenue money to be awesome around ICE and MAGA!

This thread is absolutely filled with men who never lettered in shit and are hopelessly underwater on their waterbed loans

🎄🤭🎄

If you see this tweet you should double-check if you're still following me because Elon likes to automatically remove followers in the middle of the night like some kind of Incelf on the Shelf. Retweet for visibility

For every like and retweet this gets, I will make the shoes larger

Ever since I called him "Sissy SpaceX" Elon likes to automatically unfollow people from my account in the middle of the night, so double check if you're still following me and retweet this for visibility

I’m trying to get #SissySpaceX to ban me again. Retweet this to piss him off

Katie Britt: Inside the Actors Studio (Points to @FrankConniff for the idea)

Can someone flesh out this storyline? Maybe add a funny neighbor and some jokes about Mom's job and this could easily be an Oscar winner.

Awoooo, Werewolves of London...

I recently lost about 225,000 Twitter followers, so you guys are gonna hafta retweet me a lot harder than usual today, my muchachos. The safe word is #FreeLiamNissan

Happy birthday, @m_millsey

Microsoft owns the trademark for X. This is just too good.

For reasons unknown my publicist Terry asked me to write my own prewritten obituary. Fine Cormac McCarthy - the world's most competent writer and whisky connoisseur - departed the earth on the same day a sentient wig possessed of an ancient evil was arraigned in Florida, a state governed by crocodiles He leaves behind a body of work that echoes the gritty reality of life and a Twitter account that echoes his disdain for Terry and his nurse and his nurse's idiot boyfriend Ziggy and roller rinks and Gen Z and millennials and kombucha and the Mandalorian and In life he was a man of few words. In death he is only slightly more reticent. His publicist Terry is already no doubt concocting posthumous tweets to keep the golden goose laying eggs. Terry is a venal man with no shame so we expect nothing more A man more at home with scotch and leather recliners than the company of others, Cormac elevated the term reclusive author to new heights of respectability. All authors now fancy themselves reclusive but still they speak to humans and grant interviews and acknowledge the grocery clerk with more than a grunt and nod. But not Cormac McCarthy. His literary prowess was only matched by his ability to avoid public appearances. Whether dodging book signings or exposing the infernal internet as the confusing labyrinth it is, Cormac McCarthy enlightened the feeble minded masses like that greek god with the fire who got his liver eaten by a hawk. Prometheus or whatever. I dont care what his name was. Cormac McCarthy is survived by his daughter who turned out to be a millennial despite his best efforts and his granddaughter, a TikTok video in human form. His greatest disappointment was failing to survive his lawyer Gregory. No lawyer should outlive his client. In lieu of flowers you must do three things: 1. Retweet this to increase its metrics something something who cares 2. Read Air Turbulence, a comedic stage play he wrote under the absurd pseudonym Daniel Watts, and send a DM if you want to produce it locally drive.google.com/drive/folde… 3. Give thanks that the First Amendment has strong protections for obvious parody of public figures

This is my friend Reggie Bibbs. Reggie is the kindest and most loving person I have ever met. His face is disfigured from a rare genetic condition called ‘Neurofibromatosis.’ After many years of never leaving his bedroom, out of shame and embarrassment, Reggie finally summoned enough courage to face his fears and raise awareness of this disorder. He has incurred tremendous challenges over the past years, including the loss of his mother and the foreclosure of their family home. Despite these hardships, Reggie has maintained an extraordinary spirit and has always believed that something better was coming. My humble request is for you to open your heart and consider supporting Reggie in raising funds through a GoFundMe account. These funds would be to cover his monthly rent, utilities, and essential expenses for the next five years. Any contribution, no matter how small, will make such a meaningful difference in Reggie's life and help him reach his $133,000.00 goal.. Thank you so much. gofund.me/672e6308