notary to the stars
Joined September 2011
- Tweets 3,193
- Following 629
- Followers 458
- Likes 25,945
383 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
29 May 2015
In my 9th grade English class I once laughed so hard I farted and denied it but I want the world to know, yes, it was me.
1
12
27 Sep 2024
NYC resident: I’d like to take the subway to work and arrive by 9am
Eric Adams: best I can do is a stopover in Istanbul on the way to Chile
2
164
2 Aug 2024
Waiting on a nyc subway platform in the summer will be the longest 4 minutes of your life
1
109
31 Jul 2024
There’s nothing worse than knowing you could have done anything with your life and ending up in middle management
2
151
4 Jun 2024
How did I get trapped in the minivan corner of Lyft? Truly nothing more embarrassing
1
131
3 Apr 2024
Everyone is pissed about @nytimes Connections w/ emojis but their real April Fools prank was erasing my 233 day streak on April 1 and I will never emotionally recover
1
130
15 Mar 2024
Why are there always 10 @Clear machines and one person operating them. Check in at LGA is a shit show. May as well be in general boarding
2
176
15 Feb 2024
Movies are too long and streaming services are too siloed. Fix it!
1
115
10 Feb 2024
A version of this tweet circulates once a year and I think you all just need to stop being babies and let the rip of a salt n vin wash over your taste buds
8 Feb 2024
WHO on earth is keepin' salt and vinegar chips in business???
3
269
23 Jan 2024
You have not seen the face of disappointment until you tell your boyfriend that you’re starting a podcast with your best friend
2
191
19 Jan 2024
Do you think elections in Roku City are free and fair?
1
3
240
19 Jan 2024
Roku city is actually what became of the lost colony of Roanoke
1
126
15 Jan 2024
Every guy ever
15 Jan 2024
My biggest red flag is I think I could pull Dua Lipa under the right circumstances
1
242
4 Jan 2024
It’s starting
26 Dec 2023
In 2024 James Corden will reemerge with Ozempic face
3
256