DNN Q&A:
Even on April 1st, DNN is committed to nothing but reporting the truth. To showcase that, the DNN team will be doing a 24 hour Q&A where we will be answering most of your questions honestly. Comment below if you have any questions to ask us!
HEARTWARMING: DCDG
Are you a T2 player with a dead-in-the-water career? 8th-12th player Shaqinoff has you covered! Introducing Dead Career: Dead Game, where washed OW players come together to play Destiny 2 and complain about both games. Place the raid banner!
Source: Anonymous
BREAKING: Sniper Crash
Former EXN Dva Thanos, Sniper, was operating as an interim pilot with Southwest Airlines and caused this accident. They thought they had the thruster perk irl and attempted to tap the other plane to gain .5 seconds of additional boost
Source: MS_Gusty
Our former editor-in-chief at DNN, Thragg, had entered the backrooms and he has sadly not returned to us. We were too busy searching for him to post this past week. Thragg will be missed
He was 20 years old
Source: ASYNC
EXCLUSIVE: Virtual in Officials
“I swear Virtual holds himself back intentionally. In ranked he’s just whatever, but that man takes off the fursuit like it’s Rock Lee’s weights and starts moving like prime Overwatch League Viol2t. Nobody can compete with him.” - Anonymous
SHOCKING: Metro Groomin’
Eternus IV streamer MetroDL has been accused of grooming and predatory behavior spanning back years. In hindsight, there were many signs, such as his OW hero “pool” and atrocious Billy build. We at DNN pray for justice and for his victims.
Source: Chazm
PSA: OWWC Syndrome
If you or a loved one was lucky enough to compete for a bottom qualifiers team, you may develop OWWC Syndrome. Symptoms include an inflated ego and sense of self importance, and in severe cases, posting about nothing wins on Twitter.
Source: Anonymous
BREAKING: Lenny in a Box
Lenny, better known by his gamer tag Sugarfree, has been sent back to America with super fast shipping, courtesy of OWCS’s title sponsor DHL! DHL can return any western player back to their Mickey Mouse region with just a few easy clicks!
Source: DHL
On behalf of DNN, I would like to apologize for all of our posts regarding DSG and Team Liquid regarding their substandard performance in OWCS Stage 1. We as reporters should clearly have brought more attention to how atrocious PEPS are instead. For that, we are sorry. -Thragg
BREAKING: Hacking in FIL
AME bravely steps forward as a whistleblower to address FIL’s biggest open secret. There are a large number of Expert and Masters league players cheating with no punishments, meanwhile ow1 hackers were getting banned mid-official.
Source: Anonymous
RUMOR: TM Expedition
After the Grand Finals loss to Crazy Raccoons, Twisted Minds staff intend to sign Juan Ponce De Leon to the org to locate the Fountain of Youth. Without the magical fountain, it is unlikely Funnyastro will survive his 3 year contract.
Source: King Charles I
PSA: Orgs vs. Companies
Are you having a hard time finding a job but still want to work with irresponsible people, predators, scammers, and general low-lives? Good news! You can simply join an Overwatch team with an “Org.” It’ll be exactly the same but worse!
Source: Anonymous
BREAKING: Retirement Home Ethernet
A significant number of old, retired Overwatch pros like Kellex, Void, Fate, Fearless, Shaq, and Durpee are all attempting a comeback now that ethernet ports have been installed in their retirement homes. Newgens beware!
Source: Anonymous
UPDATE:
Inside sources are also confirming that former Fries In The Bag tank player Krawi has been offered a sleeve of Thin Mints and 5 dollars, which was enough to come out of retirement like the rest of his old counterparts. -W
A statement from our Editor-in-Chief:
“There have been some recent rumors about DNN and who we might be affiliated with. We are not affiliated with Dhillducks, Blizzard, Palantir, AIPAC, or any other entity. We are a self-funded organization here to broadcast the truth.” -Thragg
STUDY: Lab-Grown FACEIT Admins
Researchers have successfully grown a petri dish of bacteria as smart as FACEIT admins. They can almost read, almost communicate, and almost enforce rules at the same level of FACEIT staff. Are the admins at risk of losing their jobs?
Source: DHU
RUMOR: Avidity new roster
Sources indicate that Avidity intend to pick up the core of Z4ch, Shaqinoff, and Hero! in an attempt to make it out of Masters League. Their staff believe this is the core that will help them finish 5th-6th OWCS just like last time
Source: LAO!
SHOCKING: Aresona MD
Bottom t3 tank player Aresona threatens to become a doctor. If you suspect your doctor was a former Tanuki player, ask for a second opinion
Source: Anonymous
PSA: Instigation Withdrawal
Are you an obnoxious individual who is unfunny, insists on replying to everything with a straw-man argument, and wants to reheat Rajeem’s nachos from 2021? You may be suffering from Instigation Withdrawal. Be aware of the signs and stay safe. -T
EXCLUSIVE: Adi Shankar Overwatch Netflix Anime
“I will do exactly what I did with Devil May Cry for the Overwatch IP. It will be less woke and more edgy. Tracer won’t be gay anymore. Winston will say ‘f*ck.’ Hydron will be a cameo too. It’ll be so based!” - Adi Shankar
BREAKING: Casores on Worker’s Comp
TL Coach Casores has suffered an on-the-job injury after kicking coluge. Reportedly, coluge was so large that Casores’s foot shattered immediately upon impact. We wish him a speedy recovery!
Source: Amart