Joined April 2012
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- Following 6,967
- Followers 11,841
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5 one-liners in under a minute!
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Iām trying to keep it a secret that I lost my girlfriend's homing pigeon... but I just know it's going to get back to her.
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The guy who coined the term 'nepotism' almost didn't get it into the dictionary, but his dad put a word in.
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There used to be free parking at my local nudist beach.
Now it's pay and display.
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My grandad was a perfectly healthy 'yes man' his whole life.
It was only when he started saying 'no' that he began to decline.
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I saw a contortionist balancing an ecstasy pill on his backside. He was quite the artiste. Which is really just an artist with an 'E' on the end.
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Nickelback singer Chad Kroeger fell down an old coal pit and Uri Geller rescued him.
I asked him, "How did he get you out?"
Chad said, "He just chipped away at the rock with a bent spoon."
"Really?"
"Yes... This is how Uri mined me."
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This joke went down well with the Britain's Got Talent judges and audience.
Massive good luck to all the finalists taking the stage tonight. Go smash it!
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I went to a futuristic gallery today. Absolute rubbish. You should see the state of the art!
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I'm making beer-battered chips and I've splashed hot Grease all over the hob. The batter keeps dripping right onto the heat...
I got spills, they're malty-frying!
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Daniel Edison, Comedian retweeted
5 Oct 2014
If words with the same amount of letters are identical to each other, then anything is possible.
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I take an omega-3 supplement made by a member of ABBA.
It's highly Benny fish oil.
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My friend Philip had a brother who was a circus clown.
When the clown died, he left some big shoes to Phil.
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