I've never shoed a horse, but I did tell a donkey to fuck off once.

A man decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chainsaw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it. But the first day, the man barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of one and a half cords of wood. He returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation. “Well,” said the salesman. “Let’s see what’s the matter.” He then pulled the cable and the chainsaw sprang into action. Leaping back, the man shouted: “What the heck is that noise?”

#aviation #funnies "And this, my dear children, is how an Airbus is made..."

A question for the military strategists: If Turkey were to attack Cyprus from the rear, would Greece help?

A funny story in a SAAFA (South African Air Force Association) newsletter: *** Cabin Consternation *** A King Air had just rotated (lifted-off the runway) when there was an enormous bang and the starboard engine burst into flames. After stamping on the rudder to sort out the asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and going through the engine fire drills with considerable calmness and aplomb, stress took its toll on the Captain. He transmitted to the tower in a level friendly voice, "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no problem at all we’re just going to land for a nice cup of tea." He then switched to cabin intercom and screamed at the passengers, "Mayday! Mayday! Engine on fire, Prop won’t feather, if I can’t hold this asymmetric thrust we’re going in! Emergency landing! Get the crash crew out!" The aircraft landed safely with the passengers' hair standing on end…..

Once upon a time... "When the Village Chief's granddaughter gets married... everybody's invited" (cost me a bluddy arm and a leg 🤣)

😆 A restaurant in Oz called "The G-spot" had to close down. Apparently men were unable to find it.

Be aware that a nasty new flu virus that robs you of your sense of taste is doing the rounds. If you catch it you'll spend two straight weeks defending Justin Bieber's music on Twitter.

I was in a long line at 07:45 today at the grocery store that opened at 08:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you old fu@kers don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."

Unexpected acts of kindness from strangers you don't ever forget: As a snot-nosed kid just starting out building electronic things, I tried to tackle a rather ambitious (and expensive for me) project. The damn thing didn't work. In fact, it turned electricity into smoke and some components even went bang! Eventually, after dog-earing the Yellow Pages, phoning around unsuccessfully for assistance, I came across a bloke at "Roake-Barefoot Electronics" who offered to have a quick look at it. I pedalled around 30km on my bicycle to his shop. Despite him having his own work piled up high, without saying a word, began fixing it, unsoldering all the components and replacing the buggered ones. It took almost a whole afternoon of his precious time. Handing it back to me in a working condition and with a totally deadpan expression on his face, just said, "No charge. Just don't do it again." (It turns out I had managed to solder the components to the wrong side of the PCB so everything was basically reversed 🤦‍♂️😂)

😈🤭 Everyone thinks it's crazy that Jesus walked on water... But no one ever mentions that Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.

"Work Hard, Play Hard" C'mon, I dare you, show us a pic of you sozzled. Me, at a company Christmas party many years ago, doing an impromptu serenade with a much-loved and admired colleague. (I was also close, very close to running around with a lampshade on me head. 🤣) PS: The venue also provided accommodation for all so no DUI involved whatsoever.

"Flower Power" One of the missus's orchids in her makeshift greenhouse. (gawd, these things are fussy but she does 'em well...)

Yes, everybody was Kung Fu fighting. Even many years later. 😆 Now sing along... (Posted in the hope of giving you an earworm. 😈😂) youtu.be/gPpHxNtVBko

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes..." Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers." Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes." Me: "But you said 3!" Genie: "So sue me." 🤭