i'm on a quest
Joined September 2020
- Tweets 6,560
- Following 496
- Followers 14,327
- Likes 57,107
47 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
May 27
I don't see why we can't be shells of our former selves and still have some fun
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Jun 12
I get the world might not be ready for my two-fisted chopstick technique, but kicking me out of the noodle bar for it still feels like a bit much
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Jun 11
Things got so bad they started calling us "the jam boys". We just wanted to enjoy some fruit preserves out in the sunshine. We didn't mean to hurt anyone. But we'd sweep through town like a swarm of locusts, and the shelves would all go bare. No PB&Js for little johnny that week.
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Jun 11
They told me that, as a trucker, I'd get paid to see this great nation of ours. But they never told me about the road worms.
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Jun 6
Sometimes you pour your entire heart and soul into a zine about the earth flooding and leaving lots of cowboys and only a single horse, only for some random hack to take credit for the only thing of worth you've ever birthed into this ugly world, and all you can do is cry and cry
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Jun 5
When they go low, we go high. We jump the grab, we bring down the heel. They twist out of the way, but the angle is awkward, they stumble, they collapse. We're back on our feet, we kick the groin, we kick the stomach, we kick the groin again. And we don't let up the pressure.
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Jun 4
If you ever "calm down" that's when they go in for the kill. They're waiting for you to slip up and get comfortable, and you can't let it happen. You have to make them calm up to your level, instead. Then everyone is equally comfortable. And that's when you go in for the kill.
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Jun 4
They froze me in a big block of ice and didn't thaw me out again for nearly fifty minutes so sorry if I'm still trying to adjust to everything here in the future
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Jun 2
Try all you like, but you're never going to fit me into one of your neat little boxes. I'm too big, and they're too small. And also my many appendages.
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May 30
I name each and every pet after myself, so that when they pass away I become ever so slightly more accustomed to my own eventual end. I feel like I'm only four or five cherished companions away from accepting that I will one day die.
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May 30
What? Oh, no, that wasn't Chinese. It was the fake language I made up to sound like Chinese. But not in a racist way at all.
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May 29
Alright, but you have to admit I got those windmills pretty good
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May 28
I'm strictly pro-dangerous beast. I think they should have free reign to maul villagers, poach livestock, and any other such dangerous beast activities. Something's gotta keep us in line.
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May 27
Imagine being Welsh, but nobody ever tells you. You just go your whole life not knowing, until you die and go to Welsh heaven, and everyone there just vibes with you and shares your unique Welsh sense of humor. I don't think that'd be so bad. That might be the way to do it.
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May 26
"Cap'n! The ship! She cannae take much more!" You don't know that. The ship's never been blown apart before, we have no idea what she can take. Besides, she's called the "Indomitable" not the "Domitable if you shoot us with a few cannons." We do appear to be sinking, though, yes.
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May 26
Asked the nice lady at the store if they had any malt vinegar. Wrong move. She pointed behind me, then clubbed me over the back of the head with a bottle of artisanal small batch "yuzu and sea moss". Woke up three hours later with no wallet, reeking of "forest blossom balsamic".
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May 21
Hey man, not trying to get all up in your business here, but I heard you ordering two crunchwrap supremes, and honestly? You just don't look that hungry to me. I think you'll be surprised how filling one crunchwrap is. I think one crunchwrap is probably more than enough for you.
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