What's the best thing that happened to you today? #BestThingOfTheDay

A cheese sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint. Bartender: Sorry, we don't serve food.

I'm very pleased to say that I have rid myself of the extra electrical charge that has been bothering me... In fact, I'm ex-static.

Let's be straight about this: You kept going when everything wanted to quit, you found a way when there seemed to be none, that wasn't you falling apart. That was maintenance. I'm proud in my bones.

I insulted my friend Terry in public, and I feel awful. I must be suffering from dissin' Terry.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day. Teach a man to fish and he's going to spend a fortune on gear he'll only use twice a year.

What happens when the fog lifts in Los Angeles? UCLA.

ROFLMAO Still cheaper than Trump LOL

Why is the men's bathroom always on the left? Because women are always right.

been a LONG day at work today stopping off for a bowl of soup in the way home

Just found the German word for constipation

shouldn't child birth be called take out instead of delivery? #DocAfterDark

I post for free. I always will. But if you subscribe for $2/month you get more posts, and I'll actually show up on your feed — not just wait for you to find mine.

Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off. I think I'm being stalked!

SO YOU COWARDS think you're tough because you jumped me ??? Waited for me to be alone... in my own front yard??? I still handled all of you, left 3 of you on the ground laid out in blood!!! You're lucky I don't have any marks on my face. I have some on my arms and legs but so what!!!! I bet you didn't expect me to swing back since it was 6 against one. You should have known better!!! I might be getting old but I have a lot of fight left in me! Yeah I'm not gonna lie, I was getting a little tired, but I kept on swinging and made sure you got yours... Little Punks!!! I have to say is you started this and I finished it. I hate mosquitoes Welcome to summer

Tunes for a Saturday night! Thanks Scott!

Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.

Turns out my friend used to be indecisive... But now she's not so sure...

What do you call a kid afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic.

The reason I don't run for political office is because I'm against capital PUNishment.