@DwayneCullen profile picture
dwanye west @DwayneCullen
Joined July 2009
  • Tweets 1,721
  • Following 853
  • Followers 622
119 Photos and videos
Strike when the iron doesn’t have thoughts about how to pay rent this month.
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I’m in a huge fight. Which key is right side up?
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I don’t know what this says about me, but I couldn’t fall in love with an AI that is always giving compliments.
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I should have known they were panic attacks and not heart attacks when a beer was curing my heart attacks.
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I never understood why people thought Cho Chang in Harry Potter was a racist name because I used to work at Dairy Queen with a gay Chinese man named Chow Cox.
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Nothing is more try-hard than holding in a sneeze
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Working late today. My boss thanked me for my hard work, but I’m only staying late cause there’s a hole in the ass of my pants and I’m waiting for everyone in the office to leave.
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Posting this as a guy who rewrites the lyrics to songs about how gay he is (I’m not gay)
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When I finally get on late nite: Late nite host: “Sorry man, last week the studio was packed. Don’t know what happened.”
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This is how my brain works:
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Morning dove: *tries new tune* Other morning doves: “Bro play the hits”
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I don’t know if anyone can relate, but if a drummer starts playing on the wingnuts I’m outta there.
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Ozempic face :(
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White Male Privilege
0:45
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Why don’t we send Boeing through the TSA?
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Ghosts are just incells whose unfinished business is having sex. They can’t transcend this mortal world because god doesn’t want nerds in heaven.
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What’s that autistic dating show called again? ‘Love Beyond Train Schedules’?
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Bookers will be in a room with 80 people, see all of them laugh at one comedian, and be like “i should book this guy. I have a special talent for finding who’s funny”.
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During the show, the improv troupe reveled in the large audience that began to fill the room, but little did they know everyone was waiting for the open mic.
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Non comedian to a comedian: “me and a bunch of friends are grabbing a drink and shooting the shit, want to join?” Comedian: “ I can’t man, Im too busy. I have to do a podcast with 4 men where we drink beers and complain about our day.”
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