Joined November 2010
- Tweets 1,163
- Following 681
- Followers 1,214
- Likes 944
17 Photos and videos
Mar 30
For so long I didn’t understand why women were so obsessed with vampire male characters in movies and TV shows. Twilight, True Blood, Vampire Diaries, etc and now I realized they’re the only guys who would be excited about a girl being on her period
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30 Aug 2024
Set a one hour time limit for daily social media use, and then spend the other 23 hours texting friends to see what’s happening on social media
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27 Aug 2024
“Sorry I behaved that way, I was in a really weird place”
me, my entire life
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14 Feb 2024
Valentine’s Day falling on Ash Wednesday has to be the loneliest day of all time for a single Jew
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11 Feb 2024
The most important Usher at the SuperBowl this year is whichever one escorts Taylor Swift to her seat
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5 Dec 2023
The security guards at Macys don’t even look like they’re in good enough shape to get away with shoplifting themselves
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30 Nov 2023
The most popular rehab in 10 years will be for recovering social media addicts
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12 Nov 2023
Not only is Taylor Swift one of the first women to be a billionaire, but she’s also one of the first women to admit that she’s the problem, it’s her
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22 Oct 2023
Starting to see results at the gym. Been going to Equinox for a couple months and people are already complimenting me on my sense of humor
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29 Sep 2023
If you don’t think Jews control the media and the weather, the second the writers strike ended in NYC, the weather got too bad to do anything but stay home and write
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16 Sep 2023
The writers strike makes everyday feel like a Jewish holiday because nobody in Hollywood is working
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16 Sep 2023
I think Rosh Hashana is 2 nights because Jewish Moms can’t fit all their criticism of their children into one evening
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16 Sep 2023
Synagogues are the only place I don’t have to remind people it’s Rosh Hashana
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28 Jul 2023
If you use the phrase “he’s no spring chicken”, you’re definitely no spring chicken
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15 Jun 2023
We don’t know if God is a woman but the algorithm definitely is because I can never figure out what it wants
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14 Jun 2023
The big difference between comedians and flights is when comedians get canceled they can still take off
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7 Jun 2023
Writers: I won’t write until the strike is over!
Michael Bay : new movie idea! air pollution in NYC kills everyone!
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7 Jun 2023
I live near Times Square so I can barely notice a difference in air quality today
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