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Hard Drive @HardDriveMag

Honest games, entertainment, and culture reporting supported by our community on Patreon: patreon.com/thehardtimes

Joined May 2017
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Hard Drive@HardDriveMag
12 Dec 2025
Despite an already Herculean effort by our editor @thatCoffman , we need a little more time to get the show ready for you. The Hard Drive Game Awards will now premier 12/18 at 7PM EST on twitch.tv/harddrivemag
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Mushroom Kingdom Reaches Hazard Pay Agreement With Hammer Bros. Union hard-drive.net/mushroom-king…

Mushroom Kingdom Reaches Hazard Pay Agreement With Hammer Bros. Union

MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Government officials have reached an agreement with the Hammer Bros. Union, which involves a 20% pay increase due to... Continue this tale

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We Tried To Interview the Ninja Turtles but Immediately Caught Typhoid Fever and Hepatitis a From Walking Through the New York City Sewer System hard-drive.net/we-tried-to-i…

We Tried To Interview the Ninja Turtles but Immediately Caught Typhoid Fever and Hepatitis A From...

OK, our editors are going to have to start doing more research on our interviews before they assign them to us. At... Continue this tale

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Link Receives Final Warning for Violating Planet Fitness’ Grunting Policy hard-drive.net/link-receives…

Link Receives Final Warning for Violating Planet Fitness’ Grunting Policy

HYRULE – Hylian swordsman Link has received his final warning for violating the grunting policy at the Kakariko Village Planet Fitness, irritated... Read more nonsense

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Dr. Robotnik Reveals His Ph.D. Is in Business Administration hard-drive.net/dr-robotnik-r…

Dr. Robotnik Reveals His Ph.D. Is in Business Administration

FINAL ZONE – Presumed scientist and main antagonist of the “Sonic the Hedgehog” series of games Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik revealed that... Read more nonsense

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Every Conservative at Anime Convention Cosplaying as Mr. Popo hard-drive.net/every-conserv…

Every Conservative at Anime Convention Cosplaying as Mr. Popo

SYRACUSE, N.Y. – Every conservative at the Animetopia convention in Syracuse’s Oncenter appeared at the event dressed like Dragon Ball Z character... Continue this tale

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Twitch Streamer With $4,000 Setup Apparently Couldn’t Have Been Bothered To Make the Bed Behind Him hard-drive.net/twitch-stream…

Twitch Streamer With $4,000 Setup Apparently Couldn’t Have Been Bothered To Make the Bed Behind Him

NASHUA, N.H. – Twitch Streamer Kerry “Kerry_Killsh0t” Bertram had clearly spent more of his money and effort in designing his streaming setup... Read more nonsense

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Cameo Birthday Shoutout From James Sunderland Really Fucking Depressing hard-drive.net/cameo-birthda…

Cameo Birthday Shoutout From James Sunderland Really Fucking Depressing

BRANSON, Mo. – A Cameo birthday shoutout from Silent Hill 2’s James Sunderland purchased by Daryl Bruner for a friend ended up... Continue this tale

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Man Has Incredible, Life-Changing Experience Playing Spiritfarer on the Same Computer That He Uses To Masturbate hard-drive.net/man-has-incre…

Man Has Incredible, Life-Changing Experience Playing Spiritfarer on the Same Computer That He Uses...

AUGUSTA, Ga. – 24-year-old James Grier had a life-changing experience playing notable indie management sim Spiritfarer on the same CyberPowerPC GeForce gaming... Get the full story

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Pathetic Protagonist Doesn’t Even Frontflip While Double Jumping hard-drive.net/pathetic-prot…

Pathetic Protagonist Doesn’t Even Frontflip While Double Jumping

AUSTRIAN EMPIRE – Nathan Graves, the absolutely pathetic protagonist of 2001 metroidvania “Castlevania: Circle of the Moon”, couldn’t even do a frontflip... Continue reading this gem

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We Rank the Five Best PS5 Games That Don’t Use the L2 Button Because Ours Is Broken hard-drive.net/we-rank-the-f…

We Rank the Five Best PS5 Games That Don’t Use the L2 Button Because Ours Is Broken

You know what? If our editors want to give us the weighty assignment of ranking the five best PlayStation 5 games, fine.... Read the full masterpiece

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SCS Software Reveals “American Truck Simulator 2” Will Come With 5 Grams of Methamphetamine hard-drive.net/scs-software-…

SCS Software Reveals “American Truck Simulator 2” Will Come With 5 Grams of Methamphetamine

PRAGUE — Video game developer SCS Software has revealed that the sequel to 2016’s “American Truck Simulator” will come packaged with 5... Read more nonsense

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Ugh, Sorry: We Interviewed Orson Scott Card Without Researching Him First hard-drive.net/ugh-sorry-we-…

Ugh, Sorry: We Interviewed Orson Scott Card Without Researching Him First

OK, this one’s on us. We’re huge fans of the Enderverse, so when we got a chance to interview its author, Orson... Read the full masterpiece

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Shigeru Miyamoto Determines Society Finally Ready for Wet Bones hard-drive.net/shigeru-miyam…

Shigeru Miyamoto Determines Society Finally Ready for Wet Bones

Kyoto, Japan — In the latest Nintendo Direct Mini, Game Designer and Representative Director announced the long-awaited debut of a new character... Continue reading this gem

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House Republicans Demand Trans Gamers Be Stripped of All Medals Won in Nagano Winter Olympics ‘98 for N64 hard-drive.net/house-republi…

House Republicans Demand Trans Gamers Be Stripped of All Medals Won in Nagano Winter Olympics ‘98...

WASHINGTON – House GOP lawmakers have called upon multinational video game developer Konami to strip trans gamers of all medals earned in... Read the full masterpiece

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Activision Taps Unknown 12-Year-Old Racist To Direct Upcoming Call of Duty Movie hard-drive.net/activision-ta…

Activision Taps Unknown 12-Year-Old Racist To Direct Upcoming Call of Duty Movie

HOLLYWOOD — After signing a landmark deal with Paramount to bring Call of Duty to the big screen, Activision has tapped a... Get the full story

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Mario Admits He Just Wears the Tanooki Suit for Sexual Gratification hard-drive.net/mario-admits-…

Mario Admits He Just Wears the Tanooki Suit for Sexual Gratification

MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Nintendo protagonist Mario admitted that he uses the Tanooki suit popularized in Super Mario Bros. 3 primarily as a... Read the full masterpiece

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Our Top Five Dragon Ball Z Episodes That All Happen To Be From the Cell Games, Even Though We Swear to God We’ve Seen the Whole Series hard-drive.net/our-top-five-…

Our Top Five Dragon Ball Z Episodes That All Happen To Be From the Cell Games, Even Though We Swear...

Listen, obviously, we’ve seen every episode of Dragon Ball Z. This is Hard Drive, after all, and that show is basically Anime... Get the full story

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EA Sports Confirms Aaron Rodgers Is an Insufferable Dipshit in the Madden Universe, Too hard-drive.net/ea-sports-con…

EA Sports Confirms Aaron Rodgers Is an Insufferable Dipshit in the Madden Universe, Too

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. – Representatives at EA Sports have confirmed that NFL quarterback Aaron Rodgers is every bit the insufferable dipshit in... Continue this tale

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Aperture Science Reveals It’s Safe To Fuck Through the Holes Made With Your Portal Gun if You’re Into That hard-drive.net/aperture-scie…

Aperture Science Reveals It’s Safe To Fuck Through the Holes Made With Your Portal Gun if You’re...

MUNISING, Mich. – Physicists at Aperture Science have revealed that it’s perfectly safe for people to engage in sexual activity through the... Read the full masterpiece

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5 Animes That Are Technically Hentai Because I’ve Jacked off to Them hard-drive.net/5-animes-that…

5 Animes That Are Technically Hentai Because I’ve Jacked off to Them

Look at you in your ivory tower, enjoying anime and feeling all pretentious because you appreciate things like plot, art style, and... Read more nonsense

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