@HeyLittleTank profile picture
swallowed 2 contact lenses @HeyLittleTank

your cool aunt/drunk uncle

Joined December 2008
  • Tweets 8,537
  • Following 0
  • Followers 438
888 Photos and videos
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swallowed 2 contact lenses@HeyLittleTank
21 Jul 2019
two things: - i quit my job - the other day i confused a pile of garbage bags on the side of the road for an entire horse
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Enjoy this glimpse of a typical Sunday with my mother
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys
22 Aug 2023
"Now, to do this the RIGHT way, we need a portable X-ray unit. Of course, your father always forgets the portable X-ray unit. He remembers the dog's birthday. He remembers to refill the hummingbird feeder. But he forgets the portable X-ray unit." mcsweeneys.net/articles/how-…
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swallowed 2 contact lenses retweeted
The American Bystander@BystanderTweets
3 Jul 2023
twofiftyone.net/2023/07/03/d… @HeyLittleTank
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Thanks to @mcsweeneys for indulging this fever dream mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-do…

I Don’t Care What You Say, Brian, That Benihana Wasn’t in the Basement When We Bought This House

“When we first moved in, my clothing did not smell of sizzling USDA-Choice beef. My boss at work never took me aside for a conversation about my ‘strongly sc...

mcsweeneys.net
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DID YOU KNOW? i am in issue 25 of the american bystander! check it out for terrible jokes from me AND good ones from a whole bunch of other folks. please. it’s my stupid birthday. americanbystander.org/store3…

Issue #25 — The American Bystander

In addition to our usual nonsense, we’re reprinting the original Bystander Pilot Issue from 1982! You will like it.

americanbystander.org
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I can’t stay silent any longer medium.com/slackjaw/nobody-a…

Nobody Appreciates My Erotic Bird Feeders

It is incredibly difficult to find handcrafted bird feeders that celebrate the dewy mystique of human sensuality.

medium.com
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swallowed 2 contact lenses retweeted
The American Bystander@BystanderTweets
23 Mar 2023
This is my Uncle Go-Gurt. …and one order of dirigible sauce. Celebrity leprosy! Destroy the octowolf. @HeyLittleTank twofiftyone.net/2023/03/23/t…
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swallowed 2 contact lenses retweeted
The American Bystander@BystanderTweets
9 Feb 2023
Thanks to @HeyLittleTank for this collection of sadly rejected mascots. twofiftyone.net/2023/02/09/r…
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i will defend this house
a stupid bastard scorpion

ALT a stupid bastard scorpion
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What is wrong with me
ITS THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOOOL
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i can't believe i miss the guy whose twitter bio is literally just the word "bitcoin"
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a 6’7” chicken showed up at our doorstep demanding “fentanyl OR twix”
astros tears = more precious than crude oil
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nominative determinism
book excerpt from “fragrant” by mandy aftel: the word “musk” is from the sanskrit “mushkas,” which means testicles.

ALT book excerpt from “fragrant” by mandy aftel: the word “musk” is from the sanskrit “mushkas,” which means testicles.
i do not know how anyone finds these debates productive or insightful, i’d truly rather put my disgusting foot in a waffle iron
ME: focus here around my third eye & look deep. you'll find all the secrets of the universe here, beneath the anguish & mortal mundanity. go deep enough that you break time. that you see the very face of god. MY ESTHETICIAN: i already told you this machine doesn't go that high
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aw christ why did i come back the fuckup fairy couldn't touch me when i crossed international borders; it's outside of her jurisdiction
home from milan
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DISGUSTING
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