Recently discovered weighted blankets. wow.
Joined June 2010
- Tweets 3,276
- Following 555
- Followers 956
- Likes 2,356
132 Photos and videos
13 Jul 2022
Me frantically trying to offload my cache of illegal “boolets”.
13 Jul 2022
BREAKING: A Baltimore Police officer, Steven Angelini, was arrested by the FBI this morning. I'm told the case involves allegedly selling "ghost" guns. More to come...
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21 Jul 2021
When my dog walks past multiple grass patches and decides to shit on a busy sidewalk.
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10 Jul 2021
At an off leash dog park a dog started barking at me. “It’s all good Mr. Pups.”Some are barkers, I have a lap jumper myself. Then owner drags it over to me and starts hitting it on the face while it looked at me. Umm-that AINT it and the dog probably DESPISES me now. Poor thing.
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7 Jul 2021
People who pass on the on-ramp before a zipper merge, who didn’t hurt you enough as a child?
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4 Jul 2021
When you sit down at a restaurant, the server immediately asks what you want and they have one drink menu.
1
10 Jun 2021
Wouldn’t it be a bummer if the moment you turn 75, they stop electing 75 year old presidents. Like…cmon I waited 🥴☹️
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10 Jan 2021
Twitter is wild.
-They want to kill us when we protest, or when we lawfully vote.
- These seditious acts are just going to continue unless lawmakers...
-Elon Musk wants to explore interplanetary servitude
- Capitol Police officer dies of suicide
-cOmE oN rAvEnS, pass!
3
6 Jan 2021
I think the perfect short-form improv show could really help the country right now.
- Me to no one while I clean up after my dog goes potty.
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6 Jan 2021
Tbf, She saw a photo of Atlanta and assumed it was Wakanda.
6 Jan 2021
Democrats scrounging up votes from mystical places again....
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10 Nov 2020
When are we supposed to receive our Official Biden:BLMAntifa Suburban Spook & Avocado consumption tactical manual?
I wanna show up to Soros Manor all studied up. I hate being the new kid 🥴
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7 Nov 2020
The first time I learned an election result by hearing my city start celebrating outside.
1
14
4 Nov 2020
So..if I am reading the room right.
Trump won the morale-defeat victory but the election is still up for grabs. Yeah?
5
4 Nov 2020
Whatever happens, you should know this Andy absolutely exercised his right to vote at 1/3 the national value of an Andy in Wyoming. .....I should have called him. All Andy's should get on message.
Everyone Google your first name and then get to work!
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23 Oct 2020
Me staring at the road about to start a super long road trip: "10 minutes Mr. Highway."
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22 Oct 2020
Watched “Chicago 7” last night and was thinking “I bet the prosecutor portrayed by Joseph Gordon-Levitt wasn’t actually as endearing/conflicted as Sorkin chose to portray him.”
“Wasn’t actually as” turned out to be a pretty solid understatement.
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22 Oct 2020
Considering Schultz claimed the courtroom “gag” was a performance by the defense...In what world does Sorkin think fabricating Schultz as empathetic to the defense improve the story?
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18 Oct 2020
My name is Andy
It’s pronounced “Ann-Dee”
It’s was one of the most popular boys name in 1984 so it means my mom was real tired of being pregnant.
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14
8 Oct 2020
My apologies, I wasn’t asking for an umbrella I was hesitatingly asking for a brella.
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