Boob-haver/single mother/hater of raisins/ichthyologist on alternating Wednesdays.
Joined December 2012
- Tweets 15,397
- Following 1,471
- Followers 2,572
- Likes 107,520
233 Photos and videos
fawn retweeted
28 Mar 2025
One the hardest parts of being in your 40s is having to looking at photos of yourself being in your 40s
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28 Mar 2025
You think bill collectors would be satiated with a few of the choice unsolicited dick pics I've gotten?
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fawn retweeted
6 Oct 2024
No, I’m not an enabler, I’m more of an unabler.
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24 Oct 2024
Ok, but hear me out... what if we don't have to make amateur porn because people are already looking down on us from heaven?
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fawn retweeted
13 Sep 2023
Asking the Home Depot employee how much spaghetti this weed wacker eats
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fawn retweeted
11 Apr 2022
ME: (removing my AirPods) Not guilty your honor.
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fawn retweeted
3 Nov 2023
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
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1 Nov 2021
Science class, but it's just me insisting my boyfriend display how he doesn't hurt his penis when he lays on it.
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fawn retweeted
23 Aug 2021
I’m 36 and still haven’t gotten approval from my parents, what’s your secret Pfizer?
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23 Aug 2021
The Scarlett Letter...but instead of an A for adultery...it's an A for asshole and we give it to anyone without a mask. Tell them they won The Patriot Award.
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fawn retweeted
15 Aug 2021
"You look worried." Thanks, it's the everything.
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11 Aug 2021
(In an interview)
"What would you say one of your strengths is?"
"Well Pat, I would have to say my ability to bait my boyfriend into an argument by putting on an imperceptible amount of mascara and then yelling "AH HA LIAR!" when he comments how beautiful I am without makeup."
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fawn retweeted
23 Jun 2021
There is about as much courage DNA in the Republican Party as there is tuna DNA in a Subway sandwich.
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6 May 2021
God, if he/she exists, does not give a fuck about your right to own a gun or minimum wage increasing.
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fawn retweeted
28 Apr 2021
what if nipples clicked in and out like pens
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20 Mar 2021
I now spend commercial breaks explaining to my mom that Payton Manning doesn't really have a small town in his basement.
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