Reasons why I liked 30 of your tweets in a minute: 1) I haven’t seen you in a while and wanted to say hi 2) You’re awesome 3) Twitter shut me down for 3 days and now I feel FREE 3) I forgot I was scrolling down your page and thought it was my timeline

this is so hard to explain but theres a bird in my neighborhood i have to confront

Meanwhile, we are over here battling diseases that had been eradicated for decades because we remain in the dumbest timeline.

The 25th Amendment exists for a reason. The President of the United States is a deranged lunatic, and a national security threat to our country and the rest of the world.

Picture this: you're half-asleep on a Lufthansa flight when the cabin lights suddenly flip on. Turns out a big orange cat had escaped its carrier and decided to go exploring. Passengers stayed super quiet, flight attendants grabbed flashlights at first, and everyone teamed up to gently catch the fluffy escape artist without freaking it out. In the end, the cat was safe and the whole cabin handled it like pros.

Being peer reviewed by @NASA was not on my bingo card today

More footage from Greece:

The Israeli government is well able to fund the Iron Dome system, which has proven critical to keep innocent civilians safe from rocket attacks and bombardment. Consistent with my voting record to date, I will not support Congress sending more taxpayer dollars and military aid to a government that consistently ignores international law and U.S. law. Netanyahu’s allies in the Knesset just approved a $45 billion defense budget, and the Prime Minister himself also asserted his interest in withdrawing from the MOU with the United States in January. It is fully within their ability to fund Iron Dome and other defensive systems. Our allies who need our military aid must understand that we will provide it consistent with the Leahy amendment and the foreign assistance act.

imagine being broken up with over the dolphone

april fool’s day 10 years ago: uh oh! we’re wendy’s and all of our burgers are triangles now! tee hee april fool’s day now: ronald mcdonald was on the island and burger king has footage to prove it

Apparently, "food terrorism" is not a joke the Japanese came up with just now to describe our steakposting. It's a preexisting Japanese idiom for showing you something you really want to eat, when you can't actually eat it.

The "Violence of Cheese" is probably the greatest turn of phrase to come out of the Japanese-American exchange on X.

二度届きましたが発送方法がアメリカン過ぎます つぎは丁寧に梱包してくれよな

RT @morisugi_warota: 模範的な日本人なので、デカおにぎりを片手に豚汁をジョッキでいく

customer said i think you’d like my daughter isn’t she beautiful and flipped her phone to reveal her daughter on facetime like this

I just love how this would give every American psychosis

a scary number of people I know who "quit social media" just ended up getting addicted to Reddit.

NEWS: Judge Amit Mehta rules Trump is NOT immune for key Jan. 6 conduct—including his Ellipse rally speech, outreach to officials, and related actions—finding they can be treated as campaign activity, not presidential duties. That means civil lawsuits can move forward. The court also rejected Trump’s First Amendment defense and blocked a DOJ effort that could have shielded him from liability.

Congratulations to the approximately 8 million people who came out to No Kings rallies this weekend — the largest single-day political protest in American history. The American people are saying loudly and clearly: no to authoritarianism, no to oligarchy and no to endless war.

Today is Trans Day of Visibility. Trans, non-binary, and gender-nonconforming people have always been here — from the hijra of India to the Diné nádleehi to the leaders who built the modern LGBTQIA movement here in New York. Your existence is not up for debate. Your lives are not a political issue. We’re fighting for a city where every trans New Yorker can live openly, safely, and with joy.

If you’re working on your taxes this week don’t forget to report your income from illegal activities and stolen property