Over these past weeks, I have been doing everything to extinguish whatever is left in me that gives a fuck about ‘what people will say’ and have experienced the freedom to truly give of myself enough to explore every aspect of me; the intelligent, strong, weak, happy, sad, vibrant, bougie or street, but on my accord, not to be liked, nor for the so-called validation or attention, but to process, in my own way, what I have never had to experience nor been ready for, and definitely not on the accord of people who know nothing of what it’s like to walk in my shoes.
And so, from all the many contrasts of opinions, banter and outright expressions of hate, I find that indeed everyone is fighting their own battles, especially the unseen ones, and often project a reflection or some sort of mask, so I understand, when people feel moved to call my expressions attention-seeking, but can’t you see that I am not moving to be liked? Not doing what’s expected, the perfect image, perfect branding.
In-it’s-stead, I’m patient with myself, because again, I understand some things will take the time they take. But I’m not sitting pretty while the healing is ongoing, I’m moving regardless of it, because of it, and with all the uncertainties, while embracing all the planned future that once felt on solid grounds, now needing to be rebuilt, brick by brick.
It has been such an incredible process, deeply painful, yet an important part of my journey, but the hardest part of this process has been holding on to who I know I am, while rediscovering who I’ll need to become. I don’t know enough, but I now believe you’re not always obligated to move on in silence, for some healing needs air and witnesses, even if only to release it, and love? Love is like a song, it ends when it ends.
So, Allow.