comedian

Joined June 2011
1,454 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
when your girlfriend runs into her friend and you’re stuck with the other boyfriend
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Joyce cooked
parallel with the Knicks' extraordinary penchant for magically rallying, coming-up-from-behind to triumph at virtually the last minute was the weirdly fascinating drama of "Wemby" on the court distinctive not only by his height but the thinness of his body which appeared, beside his teammates, almost pre-pubescent, lacking maturity. no matter where you looked, there was always "Wemby" charging about anticipating an opening to shove, push someone with a solid adult body with a baby-faced look of insouciance: "Who? Me? I' m just a kid."
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My Zach / Eddy Jersey card is now worth 2 dollars
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Doesn’t seem like a good news story
Good news story: A woman and her son were running late at Penn Station New York and missed the last train to the stadium. She was visibly upset and in tears after realizing they would miss the event.
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whole plane watching the knicks game except for one dude watching avatar
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willy wonka really killed 4 kids and gave the 5th his entire corporation
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CBS has found the show that will take over the 11:30 timeslot after Stephen Colbert exits "The Late Show." It's "Comics Unleashed," the stand-up show from Byron Allen.
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No one: Tiger Woods driving to CVS:

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(Running into the Pentagon, waving newspaper) sir!
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Love on the Spectrum
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They better interview RUBEN BOUMTJE BOUMTJE
Mar 24
UNTOLD: JAIL BLAZERS premieres April 14. In the early 2000s, the Portland Trail Blazers were stacked with talent—and surrounded by controversy. Through firsthand stories from Rasheed Wallace, Damon Stoudamire, and Bonzi Wells, this is an unfiltered look at a team caught between brilliance and notoriety—and the media storm that followed.
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“actually we’ve met before” okay well I don’t remember you. Have you considered being less forgettable and insignificant
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"shot by a guy with no arms or legs" is a real mad libs way to go
😳 Quadruple amputee and pro cornhole player facing murder charges in Maryland
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Big beautiful Arthur, Arthur Dayne…Sword of the Morning they called him! That sword didn’t help him very much at the Tower of Joy, did it now? Slew in combat by Ned Stark and Howland Reed…little Howland Reed, he was the Knight of the Laughing Tree—they’re letting me say it!
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When someone makes me watch a video on their phone
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He’s gone full Bane
'I call upon all Iranian patriots who yearn for freedom to seize this moment, and take back your country.' - Trump
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triathlon means running/biking/swimming but biathlon means GUN ON SKIS
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Luke Mones retweeted
20 Feb 2021
remember when Ivan Ooze tried to disguise himself in town by dressing like...a purple clown wizard who sold cans of ooze? how did he think that would help him blend in
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BREAKING from Brooklyn MDC: Maduro has healed his CO’s bladder infection like the Green Mile
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My girlfriend watching a movie:
Replying to @atrupar
Trump denies what we've all seen with our own eyes -- that he regularly falls asleep during on camera events -- instead saying he's just "blinking." “Sometimes they’ll take a picture of me blinking, blinking, and they’ll catch me with the blink.” (4/6)
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16 Dec 2025
When did stop calling them bumps? Bumps was fine!
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