I can't know how to hear any more about tables
Joined April 2012
- Tweets 24,073
- Following 143
- Followers 203
- Likes 1,532
986 Photos and videos
2 Aug 2025
Yard game? Bar game?? Board game??? Card game???? Drinking game????? Video game??????
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2 Aug 2025
Just give me a game and I'm vibin, life is not that complicated sometimes ๐ฎโ๐จ
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9 May 2022
This man is trimming his nails on the metra at 7AM, just letting the clippings fall to the floor. I'm no narc but my gut tells me to call the cops as this dude is surely a serial killer of some kind
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3 May 2022
Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords may not be a good basis for a system of government, but it can't be much worse than what we have now
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23 Mar 2022
As a landlord, how can you have your ground floor apts flood THREE times in a single year and still insist that it's not the building's fault??? And that the resident is responsible for cleaning all the floors that aren't the carpet?? Y'all trash let me out of this damn lease
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21 Mar 2022
Iowa State athletics may give me the lowest lows, but they also give me the highest highs so I'll take it
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13 Mar 2022
I just realized this weekend is only 47 hours long I hate it here
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14 Feb 2022
Today one of our office managers called me "an oasis of fun in a world of despair" so you all can send me thank you letters now for gracing you with my presence
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Matt Stade retweeted
3 Feb 2022
This is funny but also sad because they still havenโt responded ๐ข
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25 Jan 2022
Imagine meeting someone and falling in love but then you go follow them on Twitter and their pfp is some shitty monkey drawing with like an eye patch and a mohawk lmao
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25 Jan 2022
You decide to look past this red flag then next thing you know he's down on one knee proposing, but he opens the ring box and it's just a slip of paper with a URL printed on it that leads to a low res JPEG of a diamond ring
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1 Jan 2022
My uber driver just confidently made a left turn on red. Like full stop. Look both ways. Turn left. 2022 comin with new rules of the road let's go
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25 Dec 2021
They send the man with 2 total cup holders in his car to go pick up 5 drinks from Starbucks. A Starbucks which does not have portable cup holders. If I make it back with 0 burns and a clean car it'll be a logistical miracle
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25 Dec 2021
They said it couldn't be done. They called me a madman. But look who just made it back with everything in one piece (one coffee in lap). I'll take the Nobel prize for innovation now
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