Professional comedian, fitness instructor, drummer/half vocals for Mik&Maxi. If I'm not yelling at you on a mic I'm on vacation
Joined February 2012
- Tweets 2,164
- Following 610
- Followers 572
- Likes 1,618
126 Photos and videos
23 Jun 2025
I don’t like to hear people telling me about their sex lives because it forces me to picture it, I don’t know if that means I’m a prude or I just need hotter friends
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11 Apr 2025
scientists say the brain is much more plastic when you’re young which explains why all my ideas in my twenties were unsalvageable garbage
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7 Apr 2025
me giving advice a year in to standup: I have all the answers try this and this and this
me giving advice now: I don't know anything about anything live your life it'll work out somehow go for it or don't what does any of it even mean how's your soul feeling
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3 Apr 2025
comics are an easy hacking target because when a friend sends us a fake link to vote for them in an unnamed contest we jump on it like hey we're too broke to donate to anything but I can vote like hell for you for free this is my moment
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19 Mar 2025
a guy in Starbucks today asked me for my number which I thought was pretty bold but I still told him 22 if you count the dude in Vegas
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19 Mar 2025
sometimes in conversation I’ll try to credit the comedian whose joke I’m paraphrasing and I realized it probably sounds like name dropping until I remembered this great quote by I think it was my friend Eleanor Roosevelt who said something about not worrying what people think
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4 Mar 2025
ever hit your head so hard it clogs pores
like great now I’ve got TWO bumps on my forehead
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26 Feb 2025
can't watch a Ryan Gosling movie without lecherously chuckling to myself ''I'd like to give HIM a baby goose'
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27 Dec 2024
people ask why I don’t dress up more, to me it just seems like being “a lot” “extra” = “too much”
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29 Nov 2024
this Thanksgiving I’m thankful for the voice of Stacy and Clinton in my head reassuring me that waiting til my old underwear falls apart to buy more is not the act of valor I think it is
#BlackFriday 🛍️
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28 Nov 2024
I love answering emails on a holiday because instead of wondering how to sign off at the end it's so much easier to just be like no I understand completely I won't be bothering you or your family again Mr Gosling thank you Happy Thanksgiving
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16 Nov 2024
@TedLasso s4 storyline pitch: women’s soccer coach enters as love interest to Roy, with identical rage issues, teeth gnashing, and tight black t shirts ⚽️@TPcasting #tedlasso #tedlassoseason4 #brettgoldstein #jasonsudeikis #brendanhunt
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16 Nov 2024
their eyes meet on the third u of “fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck” as they simultaneously get sprayed by a rogue tap at Mae’s pub 🍻
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16 Nov 2024
first kiss comes during a late night kickabout, where she reveals her background as a goalkeeper, they spar ideologies about being on defense vs on offense until THEY BOTH LET THEIR DEFENSES DOWN BOOM SWOON it writes itself 💔
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4 Nov 2024
I subscribed for the checkmark to look more professional because meta wouldn’t give it to me, but since canceling they won’t stop trying to get me to come back by offering a free month
like well well well look who’s begging to give me a blue checkmark now
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29 Oct 2024
I dunno guys after Tony’s hearty endorsement I just might be swayed to get a MyPillow
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19 Oct 2024
urgent cares are like restaurants where the waiter can come to your table three hours late and you still have to be like “thank you so much for seeing me”
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11 Oct 2024
I might be a little too supportive of friends taking breaks from standup, at this point it sounds more like I'm encouraging them to quit
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2 Oct 2024
sharing therapy discoveries about my mom with my siblings feels like I'm finally catching up on a mystery series they all watched ten years ago
them: how's it going
me: I just got to the part where she fires the maid do you think she's in on it
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1 Oct 2024
I think my therapist could have been a true crime producer, every session starts with a light chat about the weather but by the end she's got me like holy shit it was the babysitter all along
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30 Sep 2024
beans beans the magic legume
the more you eat the more you fume
the more you fume the better you feel
who needs anger management
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