He/Him
Joined December 2010
- Tweets 1,288
- Following 365
- Followers 224
- Likes 6,054
100 Photos and videos
22 May 2024
Had an amazing night tonight reconnecting with some old friends, but I keep kicking myself because I mispronounced the word perpetuity. Absolutely no one called me on it, but it's gonna bug me for years.
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25 Aug 2023
It’s not fair to be fat AND tired. Isn’t this all stored up energy? Shouldn’t I be able to hit the nitro and go into overdrive?
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10 Aug 2023
Hey, we're all out here with full-time jobs and depression. You can't make a quirky show about funny queer pirates or funny queer angels and then finish it off gut-wrenchingly sad. I can't get to sleep to work tomorrow feeling like this.
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19 Jun 2023
That cat on TikTok that sings about being alone is wrecking me.
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3 Jun 2023
I'm not certain at all, but I think I did a flirt today.
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24 Apr 2023
Some women are out here saying trans women aren’t women, but still want their boyfriends to date them if they turn into worms.
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10 Apr 2023
Just thinking about 24 years ago when school shootings really popped off and they banned trench coats and figured that was that.
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10 Jan 2023
I'm officially converting from putting butter on my grilled cheese to using mayo. It cooks so much better, tastes exactly the same, and I never have to rely on softened butter being around.
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31 Dec 2022
Hey, all you monster fuckers! What would you actually do if you found the Mothman? I mean, what’s the fantasy there?
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31 Dec 2022
Are you gonna date? Or do you just want those moth genitals?
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28 Dec 2022
I've never understood the sentiment that other people's dreams are boring. I love hearing about them. Tell me, what did you dream about last night?
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21 Dec 2022
I just now learned why pound cakes are called pound cakes. I am a middle-aged man. I feel ridiculous.
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22 Nov 2022
I need to Do a Thing and I need all the mediocre white man confidence I can muster.
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4 Nov 2022
Yesterday a clerk checked my ID and wrote down my middle name as OPION. Ever since I've been contemplating the life of someone named Opion.
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21 Oct 2022
And now my throat is so raw I can’t talk. Because I’m sick, not because I’ve been enthusiastically face fucked. Not while I’m sick, that would be irresponsible.
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20 Oct 2022
I’ve reached the stage of having a cold in suddenly low humidity where I blew my nose and the tissue came back 90% crimson.
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11 Oct 2022
Today is the last day to vote in Katmai National Park's Fat Bear Week! When noon Eastern hits, go vote!
explore.org/fat-bear-week
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30 Sep 2022
Last night I got hyper-fixated on this brilliantly constructed Tiktok by @avitalash.
I watched hundreds of duets and was fascinated by people's emotional journeys, how many people didn't get the joke, and genuinely didn't know how to pronounce macabre.
tiktok.com/@avitalash/video/…
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30 Sep 2022
Also, if you're the kind of person who gets angry because a joke "lied" to you, do you think that knock-knock jokes are historical retellings of times when people came calling to your friends' houses?