this is dark and grief-riddled, but I've always wanted to talk about it when I was strong enough:
watching my father's soul and last breath leave his body was and will always be the most physically painful thing I have ever and will ever experience. it might sound weird, but my body ached from head to toe the entire time. like an electric migraine all over, but with the volume turned up to maximum level. everything hurt. nothing felt good. my senses felt dysfunctional.
to this day, it still feels like it was the only way my body could express the intensity of seeing him leave. it was like the only way I could do something more hurtful and properly agonizing than crying. the grief of losing him didn't feel like tears were substantial enough. my body hurt like a motherf*cker and the thought of him watching supernaturally allowed me to move & function as I needed. you think of dying, but then you feel guilty for not staying alive to honor their existence. so you let the pain become a form of subconscious tribute. you learn to live with it, to make sure they know you still love them.
and that pain lingered for months. never talked about it because people assumed it was exhaustion, deep grief, or sadness. but everything ached. everything felt sore, worn, and nothing brought relief... not even chemicals, sex, laughter, or the love or compassion of others. that sounds drastic, but it's the truth.
around his death anniversary it returns, even when I try to avoid it and it being years later. the pain never went away, just learned how to manage it with new routines, distractions, and coping mechanisms. but when I allow myself to really miss him.. and I mean fully miss everything about life with him, that pain returns exactly as it arrived and my body remembers.
What's the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced in your lifetime?
Iβll go first: the kidney stone Iβm currently trying to pass πΏ