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Tom Patrick @MonologueTom

Freelance joke writer. tom@monologuejoke.com

Joined December 2016
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Tom Patrick@MonologueTom
19 Dec 2016
Trump says LBGTQ like he's taking an eye exam.
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Putin says Russia is the only country that expected Trump to win the election. It's like they had a crystal ballot.
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Republicans still making a fuss about transgender people using the bathroom. Or so we think. Nobody could hear them over the hand dryer.
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Trump met with Boeing and Lockheed Martin about bringing down the cost of F-35 jets. He says he won't pay a penny more than F-30.
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Hillary officially swamped Trump in the popular vote. He still won among angry white Russians.
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Michelle Obama told Melania Trump "the door is open". That's the last anyone's seen of Melania.
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In final scores today, The Redskins lost to the Panthers, and the Pantsuits lost to the Orangeskins.
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Oprah's last White House interview with Michelle Obama aired. It will be re-broadcast as the first White House interview with Melania Trump.
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I didn't know Wahid. Thank you! I'll check it out.
Trump thanks Americans for their "overwhelming vote to elect me Precedent....What? Damn it!"
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I remember when I got turned down for Community College and had to settle for Electoral College.
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It's official, Trump is President-elect. He says he's working on dinner arrangements to patch things up with former President Martin Sheen.
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Looks like Electoral voters are sticking with Trump. On the bright side, there's now a photo booth in the Chappaqua woods.
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The Pope says the theories of evolution and the Big Bang are real. He also said to chillax on the whole Son of God thing.
The election is like high school. It's usually the popular kid who falls short at college.
The Electoral College casts their votes tomorrow. So fingers crossed for Jill Stein.
NYPD broke into a car to save a woman that turned out to be a lifelike mannequin. They apologized and brought it back home to Trump Tower.
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For his 80th, The Pope had 8 homeless over for breakfast. He would have offered dinner, but things didn't go so well after the last supper.
In Philadelphia tonight, an armed pizza delivery man shot a would-be robber. I would have just given him the pizza.
China is promising to return a drone to the U.S. Navy that it grabbed out of the ocean. Trump calls them a current manipulator.
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