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As we welcome cocksure competitors to Toronto for the #WorldCup of Parcheesi (I'm seen here in my Mayoral Toastmaster-General garb, as was foretold, and steam-cleaned, in ancient times), may I remind those from far-flung or near-flung lands: the escalator at Chester #TTC station is kaput for now.

The first-ever Toronto gangster squad motion picture, ripped from the classified ads pages! These men specialize in fighting ignored, but annoying, crimes, in fields like lawn staring, moisture pranks, failure to answer a follow-up question, dial tone impersonation, and fashion safety. Filmed entirely in Toronto Island's notorious Centerville. THE UNMENTIONABLES, now playing at the Imperial Six!

Every word is a lie. Every story a fabrication. Betraying the oath he swore to his noble profession -- along with the swear words that must be meticulously snipped from his so-called exposition -- Elwood Z. Mohair (William Conrad) is on the take, but he's not going to ruin THIS documentary...only his own pathetic life, for he is an UNRELIABLE NARRATOR. Opens Friday at the Imperial Six.

Sad day, as Toronto's last flame-resistant toupée shop, Lord Insulate, closes its doors for good, a victim of under-the-table lobbying by the comb-over cabal, and marital discord in the asbestos industry. I've ordered all barbershop poles be rotated counter-clockwise in protest.

Coming soon to the Imperial Six: legendary Voice of Doom (and understanding father to Hoss) Lorne Greene in a self-financed and un-self-aware motion picture production of TWELVE ANGRY MEN, with Lorne playing ever part! "You see, it's all about using 12 different styles of chairs" says the veteran actor, lozenge-lover and budding 'Hitchcock with attitude'. Advance tickets now on sale, but not necessary.

Say hello to my new City of #Toronto Hairnet Crimefighting Team! The scourge of genteel blue-haired ladies across the municipality, local crooks recently have been foisting ersatz hairnets upon gullible dames and madames. No longer will freeze-dried spider webs or spray-painted candy floss mar the heretofore spotless record of Toronto capitalism, thanks to top cops (from L. to R.) Chip Snood, Barry Warp, Lionel Unguent, Dr. Troy Saliva, Herman Pip and Johnny Onyx, seen here donning their anti-crime casual clothes. Don't 'mesh' with them!!

I usually just wear it around the house, but Mrs. Xanadu persuaded me to get out the Brasso, add a bit of elbow grease, and a dab of Brylcreem, and now my spectacular Mayor's Chain of Office will be again rattling the sound of freedom --- and perspicacity --- on the streets of Toronto, in its highest offices, and amongst its lowest crumb bums, sending the ofttimes light-reflecting message: class it up, people.

Rules? For losers. Hygiene? Nah. Hypersecretion of sebum? So what. Teen rebel Snatch Pepper (Scott Baio) won't listen to comely local psychopharmacologist Dr. Velvet (Barbra Streisand). The result? FLAGRANT ACNE, now playing at the Imperial Six.

In the next issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask Ontario Premier Bill Davis "do you see further lapel expansion in our future?".

Do people question your sanity? Do you find yourself explaining your cockamamie ideas ad infitum? Do you feel entitled to keep those 37 overdue library books about ventriloquism? Then give me a call tonite at 7pm on my CBC radio program IF YOU SAY SO.

Toronto's first-ever escalator, connecting the Tomb of the Unknown Simcoe down to the HQ of the Forest Hill Ladies' Brutalist Appreciation Society is closed today due to hijinx.

City of Toronto is hiring temporary staff for Victoria Day weekend, including: Fireworks Permission Note Forgery Analyst; Princess Victoria of Saxe-Coburg-Koháry impersonators; Log Flume Ride Lumberjacks; Cotton Candy Sculptresses; Wading Pool Anti-Urination Propagandist.

Excitement is building as Toronto prepares for its first-ever concrete slab festival! All your favourites, including Pozzolana, Shotcrete, Ferrocement and, for the ladies, Coquina concrete. Free albums of musique concrète for the first 100 attendees.

One of my early CHICK CHESTERFIELD: TORONTO DICK quickies, made, largely, to capitalize on Prime Minister R. B. Bennett's generous 1934 Public Works Construction Act grants. However, to fulfill the program's migraine-ical and byzantine regulations, we had to construct the film's Leaside sets out of surplus Manitoba balsa wood that had completed at least 67% of the dimensioning​, notching​, routing​, chamfering​, mortising & ​tenoning preparatory processes. As for the plot....well, with me as star, it was practically a documentary!!

Sad day, as Toronto's last invisible ink tattoo parlour, Inkconsequential, on Pape, closes its doors for the final time, a victim of the decline in discretion, and of a chronic lemon juice shortage.

A man (Lee Van Cleef). A woman (Lee Meriwether). Another man only peripherally involved (Singapore P.M. Lee Kuan Yew). A story of love, of heartache, and of alphabetical lists of names. It's THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH LEES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, now playing at the Imperial Six.

All of Willowdale is abuzz as their home-grown slush-tronaut, weatherman Ed 'Low Pressure' Premoisten, prepares to ascend to Earth orbit in his Hyperkite, a testament to man's ancient and debilitating impatience. Thanks to his courage and fireproof slacks, we may finally learn where weather comes from. Godspeed, you magnificent bastard. #NASA

In a very special #Easter issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask judgemental eyebrows actor Raymond Massey "who would you invite to YOUR Last Supper?".

I fear no man, so it won't surprise you that I'll be the guest tonite of Toronto Sun curmudgeondary columnist and radio host Mërzitshëm J. Abernathy, scourge of the apathetic and the asthmatic, on his show WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE. His disdain for park benches ("they encourage public mastication") and pound cake ("the devil's edible pillow") are well known. Dismissed from normal radio transmissions, Abernathy relies on a network of loudspeakers affixed to barber poles.

Expect some delays on Lakeshore Blvd. today.