DoW Communiqué: Operation Epic Fury Via commitment to peace through superior firepower, we’re pleased to announce that Phase 1 of Op. Epic Fury has successfully redecorated select Iranian facilities with precision-guided confetti. Note: The confetti may contain high explosives.

(U) Following the commencement of Operation Epic Fury, our analysts are fiercely navigating complex signals intelligence to verify the deaths of our global enemy’s leadership. We encourage anyone around the real Ayatollah Khameini to please stand up.

(U) Following the tragic, fatal shooting of American troops and one civilian contractor last weekend in Syria, we have decided to turn the entirety of the country into glass. Surrounding countries may also be affected.

HAPPENING: Our SBIRS satellites have confirmed that the USS Gettysburg locked onto and destroyed a target over the Gulf of Aden. DNA testing confirms the target was Santa and his reindeer. An active investigation is underway.

BREAKING: (U) Our 200 monkeys have now all escaped from their basement cages in spite of two-factor authentication. Our brave NSA police are actively clearing all main work centers and corridors. We do not suspect foul play at this time. Please remain calm.

This page is designed to inform, educate, and keep the public apprised of ongoing and future National Security Agency matters.