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Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers

📺 Seen on @latelateshow and @colbertlateshow ⬇️⬇️ Watch my Full YouTube Special!

Joined July 2011
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Steven Rogers@NotSteveRogers
11 Apr 2025
Hi! My new special Half of We just dropped on @nateland_ent hope you like it! youtu.be/Yu7EblMo1Ig?si=0-lk…

Half of We | Steven Rogers | Full Special

In his second stand-up special, produced by comedy icons Nate Barga...

youtube.com
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Steven Rogers retweeted
Sarah Tollemache
@stollemache
22 Dec 2025
There’s an air of shame the day after a work holiday party.
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I wish pleasing a person was as easy pleasing my cats. No woman has ever been this excited about an empty box.
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My whole mindset when I’m going through my mail is “which one of these is going to be the one that ends me?”
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I’m at the perfect golf skill level. I’m a good enough hang to get invited to the outings, but bad enough that they say I can just ride around with them in the cart. All of the sun, none of the rage. Only way I’ll turn red is if I forgot my sunscreen.
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My eyes never get bigger than they do when the subway doors reopen.
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Every time I go to therapy I’m just getting over whatever I was going to talk about, and then whenever I leave something new happens that I’ll have to wait a week to talk about.
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The only good thing about food poisoning is it’s the only time I get to live out my childhood dream of solving mysteries.
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I feel bad when I’m on a date and she tells me about how hard her day was at her job and then asks about mine and I’m like, “uhmmm I might have figured out how to fix that bit about loofah’s!”
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No one has made me chug a drink faster more than flight attendants
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If there’s any place that could double as a bingo hall it’s Urgent Care.
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Having someone leave you is rough because they’re saying they like moving more than you.
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Went to a ball game with my buddies and we sat near a little kid. I think we can all agree in that situation you should watch your language, but man…the mouth on that kid.
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Ever feel a part of your body just quit while you’re sitting there doing nothing? Asking for a friend. That friend is me.
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Every time I get on my peloton my cats use the litter box and stink up the entire room. I think they hear the instructor yelling “push it!” And they’re like “if you say so.”
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Just used one of those public restrooms where when the door is unlocked, it says “vacant” and when I locked it, the sign must change to “Try as hard as you can to get through this door!”
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Holding a table in a busy cafe is resistance training for people pleasers.
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I don’t dress for the job I want, I just for the place I want to retire.
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Taking a walk by the river looks so beautiful, but when you tell someone you did it, it sounds so sad.
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I'm too gullible for my own good. I had a woman tell me she wanted to fool around in the shower and I was like, well you should be careful because I'm a certified lifeguard and you could get really hurt.
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Love when people take meetings loudly in a coffee shop, because whenever I’m out trying to enjoy my day I’m always like “ugh I wish I felt like I was at work though.”
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