Gen X | Simple Man | Food Fan
Joined July 2017
- Tweets 33,543
- Following 9,164
- Followers 35,592
- Likes 167,637
2,635 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
Jan 11
Whoever invented the “skip intro” button really understood humans.
128
3,317
56,092
403,767
Facebook: where your family is.
Instagram: where your friends are.
Twitter: where you hide from them both.
24
79
404
5,362
You can’t hurt me my favorite cartoon characters used to shoot each other.
10
26
153
2,713
Jun 13
Listening to a song about braille, not feeling it.
9
17
116
2,873
Jun 12
Welcome to adulthood: bet you got big plans tonight, no you don’t.
16
21
154
3,034
Jun 12
Going outside to burst into flames so I guess this is goodbye.
24
35
227
4,890
Jun 11
Twitter is fun because you can post nonsense and people will back you up.
44
71
420
14,245
Jun 10
I hope whoever chose the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
29
46
292
4,434
Jun 9
Twitter is my favorite place to hear expert opinions from people who don't read books.
57
153
742
18,237
Jun 9
Not to upset anyone but I threw away a perfectly good cardboard box today.
93
38
374
14,554
Jun 8
I'm at the age where I'm never disappointed by an empty room.
15
42
240
6,729
Jun 8
Some people make it easy to understand why animals bite us.
4
75
279
6,004
Jun 7
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in four months. Everybody clap.
54
28
570
10,246
Jun 7
Why people like me: I tell the truth.
Why people don’t like me: I tell the truth.
26
73
282
5,625
Jun 7
Twitter: you're not real.
Hunter Biden: your mom's not real.
16
16
195
3,738
Jun 7
If you get hit on by someone half your age you should be able to pat them on the head.
17
30
184
6,806