Joined August 2011
- Tweets 80,740
- Following 808
- Followers 40,936
- Likes 0
6,216 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
29 Nov 2016
18: can I buy a bottle of wine?
USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible
18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?
USA: we encourage it
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paperwash© retweeted
12 Oct 2016
stranger: you're gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you're 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they're 80
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17 Feb 2016
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
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paperwash© retweeted
25 Jan 2016
cashier: did you find everything you need?
me: everything except happiness
cashier LOL
me: LOL
cashier: your credit card declined
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paperwash© retweeted
6 Nov 2023
daylight savings is weird, it's 7:40 but it feels like I'm going to die alone
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paperwash© retweeted
15 May 2015
There's not enough rap songs about staying home on Friday night and saving your money
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10 Apr 2017
therapist: how have you been
me: depressed
therapist: omg still? lol
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paperwash© retweeted
28 Jul 2024
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
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paperwash© retweeted
12 Dec 2015
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who's a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
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paperwash© retweeted
18 Dec 2015
[campfire]
and before cell phones we had to call our friends house's
*kids gasp*
sometimes their parents answered
*one kid throws up*
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paperwash© retweeted
18 Sep 2016
me: just tell me I don't die in an Arby's bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
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paperwash© retweeted
25 Feb 2017
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I'll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what...wuddya need a stake for?
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paperwash© retweeted
10 Nov 2016
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe...Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama's mouth] are so excited!
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paperwash© retweeted
10 Nov 2016
Biden: how did we lose the election
Obama: Joe I told you we didn't run
Biden: haha oh yeah
[later]
Biden: wait they're kicking us out?
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paperwash© retweeted
3 Dec 2016
This is the most disgusting candy bar I've ever had
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paperwash© retweeted
drinking $1200 worth of cappuccinos at the dealership to cancel out the repair costs on my car
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paperwash© retweeted
I just don't understand why women think they need all these surgeries
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Jun 5
please do not show this to Eli Roth
Jun 4
Don’t understand why movies push the narrative that eating ice cream straight from the pint is a sad, pathetic act. I have only ever done it joyfully.
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paperwash© retweeted
Sleeping Beauty was clinically depressed
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