Joined April 2017
- Tweets 4,142
- Following 401
- Followers 4,636
- Likes 6,320
832 Photos and videos
May 24
Alf thompson told me that he was in the pub at lunchtime and a man asked him if he would like to stroke his cocker spaniel . . . . .
He said in hindsight he should've chosen the spaniel . . . 😳😳
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Postman Pat retweeted
31 Jan 2019
My son asked me - "where do babies come from Dad ?"
I replied - "ah . . Well . . Erm . . . The stork brings them son"
He said - " Who fucks the stork then Dad ?"
🙈
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Postman Pat retweeted
16 Jul 2023
Saw Peter Fogg , I asked "how's your brother doing living in Saudi Arabia?"
He said - "they caught him stealing a chicken from the market so they cut his right hand off , then he stole some bread so they cut his left hand off , the only thing he can steal now is doughnuts "
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Apr 5
"Good morning Pat , this Storm Dave is causing havoc isn't it ?"
"You're telling me Sam . . . . Its so windy that this morning I saw my cat do the same shit twice"
#StormDave
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Apr 3
A few minutes before Sunday service , Reverend Timms whispered to me -
"Pat, look on the front pew , third Woman in from the left . Is that Fanny Green ?"
I said - "I don't think so Reverend . . I think it's just the way the sun is shining through the stained glass window"
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Postman Pat retweeted
3 Feb 2022
I said to the wife -
"I was chatting with Ted Glen in the pub last night, and he said that he has shagged every woman on our street except one"
She said -
"oh . . . I bet it's that stuck-up cow at number 12"
😳
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Postman Pat retweeted
12 Feb 2024
"You smell nice today Pat"
"Thankyou Mrs Goggins, its my new aftershave - it's called 'Breadcrumbs' . . . The birds love it"
🙄
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Postman Pat retweeted
14 Feb 2024
I said to the wife - "happy valentines day" and i handed her a bunch of flowers.
She said - "HUH, I suppose I'll have to open my legs for them"
I said - "why, haven't we got a vase ?"
#ValentinesDay
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Postman Pat retweeted
27 Dec 2025
"Hi Ted , good Christmas ? "
"Yes Pat , the wife got me swimming pool membership to keep fit , I went today and after about an hour I needed a wee , so I had a sneaky pee in the deep end . . . The lifeguard blew his whistle so loud that i almost fell off the diving board
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Feb 1
"Hello Pat , could tou return this parcel for me please ? . . . I ordered a Penis Enlarger from a company online for £100 and the cheeky bastards sent me out a copy of Readers Wives"
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Postman Pat retweeted
18 May 2025
I met Ted this morning and said - "Hello Ted , how did you get on with Doctor Gilbertson yesterday to help you to quit smoking ?"
He said - "excellent Pat , She gave me some Nicotine patches . . . I took them home , put one over each eye and I couldn't find my cigarettes"
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Postman Pat retweeted
6 Feb 2021
P.C. Selby stopped me in the van this afternoon.
He said - "Hello Pat , I've pulled you over for a spot check"
I said - "I've got two blackheads and a boil on my left arse-cheek"
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Postman Pat retweeted
9 May 2019
I had an accident and crashed the van yesterday. I explained to P.C. Selby that the other chap involved was on a mobile phone and drinking from a can of beer at the time of the crash -
P.C. Selby said that the other chap was entitled to whatever he wanted in his own living room
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Jan 17
This morning i gave Ted Glen a hand to repair the roof and chimney stack at the Post Office .
"Time for a pint Ted"
#TedsBodgeJob
#LeaveItWithMe
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Postman Pat retweeted
1 Feb 2025
Mrs Goggins said she was writing to the doctor to get a breast enlargement ,
I said - "if you want bigger boobs just rub toilet-paper between your boobs a couple of times a day"
She asked - "will that work Pat ?"
I said - "it worked for your arse"
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Postman Pat retweeted
23 Nov 2024
I caught Alf Thompson earlier shagging a sheep that had its head stuck in a fence . . .
He said - "would you like to have a turn Pat ?"
I said - "Don't be silly . . . I'll never get my head in that fence"
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Postman Pat retweeted
7 Aug 2024
"Hello Pat . . . Could you post this parcel for me please ?"
"Sure Reverend, what is it ?"
"Its the ashes that I sweep from the floor at the crematorium at the church . . . I sell it to the cannibals in Africa as Ready-Brek"
😳
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Postman Pat retweeted
11 Jun 2024
"Good morning Doctor Gilbertson , Pat here . . . I got a very bad reaction when I applied that haemorrhoid cream that you prescribed me"
"Where did you apply it Pat ?"
"On the Bus"
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29 Dec 2025
What should me , Ted and Rev Timms sing at the big #NewYearsEve bash at The Green Dragon ?
#PissedUpPat
11%
I took a pill in Ibiza
7%
Pretty Green Eyes
61%
Ebenezer Goode
20%
Gangsta's Paradise
44 votes • Final results
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