I hate how when you ask men their worst date you get a funny story but women you invariably get a crime

Today’s the 30th anniversary of RATM’S um, ‘memorable’ performance on SNL. There was a fight onstage between our crew and SNL stage hands moments before our performance, wrestling over some upside down American flags which adorned our amps. Timmy C then attacked host/billionarie/presidential candidate Steve Forbes’ family in the dressing room with a wadded up flag. Secret Service flooded the hallways. SNL cut (censored?) our second song and kicked us out onto the sidewalk. Evil Empire entered the Billboard Album Chart at #1.

I hope yesterday’s election results remind us that when we all work together after edging with complete societal collapse and devastation, we can really make things happen!

Check in on your Philly phriends

It’s almost like the current administration has a very intense narrow focus on autism they just can’t stop talking about no matter how much you try to change the topic, I wonder what could cause that

The only thing that can save us is a good edgelord with a gun

Today is one of those days where you can measure how far you are on your healing journey by how many unpublished hot takes you have saved in your drafts

Whatever, Guy McViserson #gobirds

It’s rinse the trash hot

I can’t believe they really stopped giving him the make pretend missile codes

LET ME HOST THE REUNION! 🇺🇸

If you find a man sexting other women while he’s inside your home, charge him rent

If he wouldn’t break a filibuster record to combat fascism, he’s not high effort

The silver lining is the official medical term for “last period ever”

2025: Labia finally becomes an everyday word on social media only to remind women of another body part to worry about in the aging process

Quality love attracts like but also sometimes narcissists

Show is gonna be killer in #delco Tickets @Mrjimflorentine @RachelFogletto eventbrite.com/e/jim-florent…

Reporter: If you could speak directly to Elon Musk, what would you say? Rep. Jasmine Crockett: Fuck off

Congratulations to the Philadelphia Eagles, my former teammates, and friends on being SB LIX Champions!! There were a lot of emotions last night, and now that I’ve collected my thoughts, I’ll attempt to share them in the longest tweet ever. That game was odd for me to watch if I’m being completely honest. I knew it was going to be mixed emotions before, during, and after, and I now know what my parents had to deal with two years ago. On one hand, I wanted what is best for my brother, and to see his success. And on the other hand, there are so many people, teammates, and coaches, in the Philadelphia Eagles organization that I care deeply about, Many of whom I owe my own success to throughout my career. I am very proud for Jalen Hurts, Nick Sirianni, and this entire team. They have persevered greatly, answered their critics amazingly, and proved themselves to be undoubtedly the best team this season. It is extremely difficult for a team in the NFL to have enough talent, coaching, fortune, and character to win a Super Bowl. The character and swagger of this Eagles team was something truly special to behold. A true representation of the toughness and grit that makes Philadelphia what it is. Well done fellas, well fucking done. As for my brother, There isn’t a person I love or care about more. It has been tough to process these feelings, of course I feel for him and am always rooting for him, but I know he does not need, nor want my pity. He has amassed greatness few on this planet could ever dream of, as has his team, and they should feel pride in their accomplishments this season and in the past. I know right now they are still thinking of last night and the shortcomings in the last game, But in time that will fade, and the greatness they have exhibited as a group will remain as one of the most dominant eras of football ever. Man I love this sport, the people that play it, and the fans that enjoy it. Nothing else like it. Congratulations Philadelphia, I look forward to the speeches and celebrations that will happen in the coming days. I mean who doesn’t love a parade! In the words of Chase Utley “World Fucking Champs”, and to all the haters out there, remember what my man Jay Ajayi said “Fuck Em” Go Birds

People trying to blame a racist action on a guy being autistic is pretty much what stand up comedy is like