Husband. Father. Sentient paperclip.
Joined October 2021
- Tweets 34,826
- Following 1,550
- Followers 6,694
- Likes 183,763
2,849 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
Feb 12
I had no clue Alex Jones read tpot.
90
80
1,681
103,232
I can't believe how expensive renovations are. Cabinets are unreal. And don't get me started on the price of a medium-sized torment nexus.
Jun 9
Explaining the concept of the permanent underclass to my wife when she asks about remodeling the master bathroom.
3
1
44
912
I don't get why we would capture carbon from the atmosphere when higher concentration streams exist. Maybe you pick the highest fruit from the tree after the lowest fruit and if you get really good at picking fruit, but why not start at a boiler's exhaust?
5
8
492
Jun 12
If you can choose between two 2050s, and the only thing you know about them is that one has exactly ten trillionaires and the other has one, which are you choosing?
Elon Musk just became the world’s first trillionaire.
Let’s make sure he’s also the last.
2
20
485
Jun 12
For lunch, my female coworkers eat half a container of yogurt and three grapes. They save the grape stems for later.
My male coworkers walk to a local restaurant called DOGFOOD that gives you a bowl full of DOGFOOD. It's delicious.
4
16
1,358
27,543
Jun 12
"I've got an idea. Security cameras."
"That might work. What do you think the tooth fairy will look like?"
"I don't know, but I'm ready to find out!"
1
1
18
1,051
Jun 11
Are the Europeans milking their US trips for hundreds of dollars? Sure. Maybe. It's about time.
Imagine if artists got paid money for saying America is good and that the creepy blue aliens should allow us to mine a little ore.
22
244
Jun 11
Completely false.
parents of older kids always be saying “I’d give anything for another day with my kids when they were little”. It’s always a day. Never a month or a year. Never even a week. 🤔
4
112
6,036
Jun 11
It's not enough to love the good. You must also hate the evil.
3
21
384
Jun 10
If you were making a Muppet Movie about Karmelo Anthony, who would you make the one human and why?
5
20
1,044
Jun 11
I'd make it the defense attorney. The exasperation as he tries to be a professional in a mad world. 🧑🍳 💋
5
233
Jun 11
Frog of ambiguity. If the frog gets less likes than the original post, then maybe the original post is good. Or maybe the ambiguous frog is boring. Hard to say.
2
24
410
Jun 10
The Civil War wasn't fought over slavery. It wasn't fought over "state's rights." It wasn't fought at all.
The universe was instantiated in March 2020 to test quarantine strategies and supply chain disruptions. Everything before that date is elaborate, irrelevant backstory.
4
5
97
1,656
Jun 10
"No, but it was the state's right to own slaves."
Bro, chill. You're in a simulation, and your god is a lazy econ grad student.
2
17
203
Jun 10
Taking your wealth and killing you is just the start. Communists also want to kill your children if they might be successful one day.
To elevate equality as the highest virtue, one must hate everything exceptional. Communists revel in the sin of envy.
Jun 10
2
1
26
419
Jun 10
Did yall hear about the Sudanese man in the UK? They're saying he's no true Scotsman.
4
32
1,040
Jun 9
Explaining the concept of the permanent underclass to my wife when she asks about remodeling the master bathroom.
1
25
1,493
Jun 9
Son has been making math tests for himself to prepare for first grade. I like this nomenclature he invented for square root.
3
23
406
Jun 9
Everything in the Microsoft ecosystem is like this. There's an old, functional system and a new, "pretty" system with 80% of the functionality.
Someone remodeled the kitchen by building fake cabinets over the old ones. You can get to the utensils, but not the spatula.
> Be me
> Wonder why my new Logitech bluetooth mouse keeps disconnecting from its bluetooth connection
> Use keyboard to go into Settings, turn BT off and then back on and it starts working again
> Think it's something blocking the signal, but it's not
> This happens every five fucking minutes now
> Check battery. Battery is brand new. Replace it anyway
> Every five minutes it dies, I have to go into settings, etc etc
> Finally have enough, look into buying new mouse
> Before purchasing, decide to look up any issues with this BT mouse
> Ask Grok, something that AI is actually very, VERY good for. Turns out Microsoft is entirely to blame
> The fix: you have to go into your Device Manager
> Device Manager is in your Control Panel
> Your Control Panel is a legacy windows interface that Microsoft is desperately trying their best to make you stop using for some fucking reason, they want you to use Settings instead
> But you can't apply this fix without opening your Device Manager
> Go into your Device Manager, open the Bluetooth pulldown, select Intel(R) Wireless Bluetooth(R) and don't get ANY ideas about infringing on Intel's wireless bluetooth trademarks and copyrights because why the fuck else would they inform you of this in the fucking Device Manager
> Right-click, Properties. Select the Power Management tab
> Unclick "Allow this computer to turn off device to save power"
> MS apparently made it so that it turns the device all the way off, they set it to "ON", and they made that the default setting WITHOUT TELLING FUCKING ANYONE
> Begin to understand why everyone fucking hates Windows 11
25
144
2,563
115,054