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Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat

Leave a Comment. Makes me feel good. Award winning Comedian. Follow for dry one Liners. Trying to make you smile. Tweets on @Chive @Someecards

Joined April 2014
  • Tweets 1,728
  • Following 384
  • Followers 16,314
157 Photos and videos
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Randy Smith@RandySmithWhat
1 Mar 2023
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
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If you have a god given talent you’re a nepo baby…which brings me to my issues with Jesus
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Me: pretty awesome that all the coolest jobs require the least amount of education. We ready? Bungee Cord Guy: you bet amigo!
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If I can’t understand your vanity licence plate is it even vain?
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When you’re an adult the time to get to your destination depends on traffic. When you’re an adult with a child it depends on number of pinecones on the sidewalk.
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Apparently I’d rather stare at my shoes for 5 minutes than walk out at the same time as my neighbour.
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Forget luxury purses, the truest money flex is being a parent and taking your kids anywhere fun.
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If you had to enter the Physical: 100 Korean show on Netflix but all the competitors were different versions of you throughout your life. What place would you come in if you entered as yourself today? #Physical100
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Just ran a 5K to raise awareness that bees can chase you for up to 5K
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Figured out I can control the living room speakers from the driveway and start playing a song before I open the door as a kind of wrestling entrance. Today I chose Cant Hold Us by Macklemore. I forgot the baby was sleeping and boy did I not get the reception I was looking for.
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Ya my parents had it tough but they’ll never know the struggle of buying banana quantities online
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If it’s gluten free then why do they make it so gluten expensive?
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Red Pill: Take medication. Blue Pill: Did I already take this?
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Was recently complaining about the lack of mice in forests and someone said I sound like an owl
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Ceo: I know what to do but I don’t think I can convince everyone to follow me and I also don’t want to be responsible if things go wrong. Consultants: Hold my beer.
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Can’t find my toothpaste so im brushing with my kids tube. This is candy. Twice a day of this and I’m diabetic.
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Reading the Giving Tree to my kid backwards so it’s about a nice tree that grows really strong and no one’s day is absolutely crushed. 😭
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Going out tonight with a slight cold and runny nose. Its not COVID but if anyone asks I’m telling them it’s a cocaine addiction
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Hello Sharks, for 30% of my company and 10 thousand dollars you can be a part of garbage cans in bathrooms but waaaaay bigger.
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On this day the war with the machines was won when I typed in shot and it autocorrected to shit
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