@Sarcasm_Machine profile picture
Sarcasm Machine @Sarcasm_Machine

Tweeting by @beejangles .

Joined June 2012
  • Tweets 3,749
  • Following 11
  • Followers 75,334
230 Photos and videos
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasnt the right answer.
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Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!
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I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
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Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
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Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
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Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
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"Okay" means youre in the clear. "K" means youre better off not coming home.
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The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the b*tchfit that’s coming.
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The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
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Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
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Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
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I dont understand interventions. Whats the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
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Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
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That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
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I just lost my mood ring, I dont know how I feel about that.
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Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
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I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
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I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
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Im not a mechanic so I dont know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
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My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
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