I've been lapped by the Joneses.
Joined November 2009
- Tweets 75,693
- Following 1,009
- Followers 2,630
- Likes 16,625
4,927 Photos and videos
11 Sep 2025
I’m mildly amused by the fact that I often find myself saying ‘shut up’ when I shut down my laptop.
1
194
2 Jul 2025
I gave my mum a selection of Star Wars masks for her 79th birthday, you should’ve seen the Luke on her face.
3
164
30 Jun 2025
I’m useless at relationships and algebra; if you want to know Y, just ask my X.
164
28 Jun 2025
I adore the works of Tolkien but I still think ‘Legolas’ sounds like something a Yorkshireman might say to his wife when struggling to get the remote control out of her hand.
2
158
27 Jun 2025
Imagine the panic you’d cause on a Jamaican cruise ship if your name was Mandy Lifeboats.
6
195
8 Jun 2025
There are no hard and fast rules when having sex, some people just prefer it that way.
1
167
4 Jun 2025
I’m not a conversationalist, some of my best friends are talkative.
1
1
142
11 May 2025
Being in love is like wearing a bulletproof vest.
Look out for the headshot, though.
103
11 May 2025
When you take pride in your work you can take pride in yourself.
92