Six reasons people keep repeating painful experiences
1️⃣ To alleviate guilt. Some people feel guilty about success or pleasure, as if enjoyment were a transgression. They seek suffering to expiate guilt and pay off their conscience. In some cases, pain and suffering become the “admission price” for whatever pleasures they allow themselves
2️⃣To gain a sense of control and mastery. The person attempts to gain a sense of control over painful or traumatic experiences they once experienced helplessly. There is an underlying (unconscious) fantasy they can undo a past trauma, or right a past wrong, by repeating it and getting it to come out differently (but in reality, they just keep reliving the same pain)
3️⃣Suffering is home. An analogy can help us understand this: when panicked horses are rescued from a burning stable, they often run back in. The horses associate the stable with safety and security—it’s home
A child’s earliest attachments, however unhappy, are also home. However neglectful or abusive, that was where the child experienced whatever care and comfort they knew. In their search for comfort, they seek the same pain
4️⃣Secondary gain. Pain, suffering, and MH symptoms come with indirect or hidden benefits, which clinicians call “secondary gain.” Their difficulties may bring attention, sympathy, release from responsibilities, special treatment, even financial incentives (eg, disability pay). Secondary gain can be a powerful incentive for continued suffering
In psychotherapy, it can be helpful to invite patients to reflect on the *downside* of getting well. The first response is likely to be something like, “There is no downside, I’d do anything to get better.” If the therapist persists and says something like,“Not so fast, let’s really think about this,” there may be some suprising insights
5️⃣To punish others (passive-aggression). The desire to punish someone else can be more powerful than the desire to avoid pain. For example, a person may unconsciously sabotage their prospects for success or happiness *precisely because it’s what someone else wants for them* (hence the expression, “cutting of your nose to spite your face”)
Mental health symptoms also cause pain and suffering for *other* people. For example, a depressed person may be too depressed to do their share of work, earn a living, keep their social commitments, have sex with their partner, etc. There can be (generally unconscious) sadistic pleasure in inflicting this pain on others, especially without responsibility or consequences. But who can blame the suffering person? After all, they’re the victim
6️⃣To enhance self esteem or feel superior. For some, feelings of self-worth and even superiority are tied to self-deprivation and self-punishment. The person seems organized around the belief, “I am better than you because I suffer more.” The more suffering, the more they feel morally superior. In the clinical literature, this is called “moral masochism”
One caveat: these are rarely conscious choices. These patterns come about unconsciously