Joined March 2026
- Tweets 403
- Following 720
- Followers 181
- Likes 5,116
81 Photos and videos
Jun 13
Gene Shalit died today and I was crafting a joke about stupid mustaches and then I realized my 23 yo son has been growing a mustache for months in anticipation of becoming a movie critic.
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Jun 13
I’ve had an owl family behind my house for about six weeks. It’s pretty amazing but lately I’ve noticed the parents are leaving the kids on their own, and one of them is constantly screeching for food.
It reminds me of my 20 yo who’s home this summer. Dude can eat.
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Jun 12
I’m “surprised by how much I don’t care” years old, but I look much younger.
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Jun 11
The mosquitoes are so bad I’m a little nervous about peeing off the deck tonight.
I’m still going to do it though
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Jun 9
Just set my alarm for 4:50 and almost kicked myself in my own balls over it.
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Jun 7
Watch your fins, ladies!
Aquarium visitors were stunned when a leopard shark appeared to be biting another shark’s fin
Staff later explained it wasn’t aggression at all, it was actually part of shark courtship behavior.
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Dandy retweeted
Jun 6
Bathroom hand dryers are perfect for those times you need to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
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Jun 6
I don’t know if this is a thing but there’s a Kroger in downtown Cincinnati that blasts “safe” versions of rap music and I had the best time shopping for deodorant while listening to the radio version of Petey Pablo’s “Freek-A-Leek”.
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Jun 4
Anyone else justify every frivolous purchase with the fact that you stopped playing golf socially ~13 years ago?
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Jun 1
If grocery stores are going to push us to be our own checkout clerks, the least they could do is make the system fast enough to keep up with me
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May 28
Somewhere out there is a man named Solomon who loves this trend
May 28
C- silly ( most definitely)
A Easy to fall in love with (my easy going nature)
R Fucking nuts (accurate)
T Loyal ( To a fault sometimes)
E Great in bed ( I'm not gonna deny)
R Fucking nuts (again very accurate)
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Dandy retweeted
May 28
It’s kind of a lot of pressure to be the only one who can prevent forest fires
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Dandy retweeted
May 23
Tonight didn’t turn out how I wanted, but hey, at least I’m wearing clean underwear
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May 25
Anyone else ever wonder if Rick Astley’s friends keep pranking him with Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise?
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