former intellectual. extremely normal guy. hot topic rewards member. comic.
Joined November 2013
- Tweets 15,069
- Following 1,094
- Followers 22,547
- Likes 20,094
1,764 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
5 Jul 2020
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27 Apr 2023
getting arrested by the Air Marshall for forcing my way into the cockpit and asking him to honk the horn
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30 Jan 2023
rooting for the Bengals purely because Joe Burrow was in my 2nd grade class and came to my birthday party at the bowling alley
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22 Jan 2023
my life goal is to buy LinkedIn and make it a haven for tumblr porn gifs
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16 Jan 2023
pussy so good it got me utilizing early 2000’s emojis like :3 and :D over text
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grant retweeted
15 Jan 2023
BLINK 182 - I MISS YOU (COVER)
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7 Jan 2023
the Citizen App is so hilarious man it’s like Pokémon Go except for vigilantes
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28 Dec 2022
about to partake in my favorite pastime; getting 14 beers deep and chopping a lot of vegetables as fast as humanly possible
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20 Dec 2022
Never understood the 5G conspiracies until I drove through Kansas and only had 2G data. They thought we skipped 3 whole G’s man I’d be calling bullshit too
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20 Dec 2022
Writing-off the 300,000 ice cold beers I drank this year as a business expense
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18 Dec 2022
just got kicked out of a Wisconsin bar for playing Barbie Girl 13 times in a row on the jukebox. Free speech is under attack in america
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16 Dec 2022
driving through the countryside listening to Sturgill Simpson I’m so bricked up rn
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15 Dec 2022
my gf keeps joking about pegging me which normally would be funny if I wasn’t completely broke with both her birthday and Christmas coming up back to back
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15 Dec 2022
Been stuck in small-town Nebraska for 3 days bc of a blizzard, but that’s ok because I’m at a bar called Little Jerry’s right now and this drunk guy keeps demanding to talk to Little Jerry
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6 Dec 2022
Instagram can have as much of my data as they want as long as they keep marketing shirts like this to me
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3 Dec 2022
shouting “Freebird” at the church choir in the middle of Sunday mass
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28 Nov 2022
Its so funny to see the world’s idiots come together and collectively think that Elon Musk is a scientist. They think he hand sculpts every individual Tesla and SpaceX rocket. He has never invented anything. He is just some incel with an inheritance that really liked Mass Effect
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28 Nov 2022
I am literally more scientifically qualified than this dunce, and everyone that knows me will tell you that I should not be in charge of anyone or anything ever, for the sake of mankind
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