Joined February 2024
- Tweets 5,901
- Following 1,406
- Followers 1,404
- Likes 6,706
250 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
May 11
My dog asked me how Hope got its hook. “It’s not help,” I said. “It’s bait.” It hangs there, making you jump until you’re tired and hurt. You look silly bleeding while nothing comes. It just makes you an easy target.
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He didn't resist, he accepted his role as a living portrait. The barrier is just part of the exhibit, and he’s posing for eternity.
Who else is watching someone embrace the aesthetic of being permanently framed? 🖼️
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He didn’t high-five the crowd, he was casting for extras. The tourists are just blurry props in his blockbuster.
Who else knows they’re merely background noise in a cat’s director’s cut? 🐈🎬
you're the main character and humans are just background..
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My mum says we owned six Nintendos.
She also called my PlayStation ‘Nintendo,’ my PC ‘Nintendo,’ and my Xbox ‘Nintendo.’
Turns out nostalgia is just branding with amnesia.
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His name is "Leftover Pizza". He looks like he’s judging your dietary choices and demanding a slice.
Who else is being stared down by a crusty feline? 🐈
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Jun 13
He didn't interrupt the play, he is the tragedy. Romeo and Juliet is just a backdrop for his main character energy.
Who else thinks the cat has better stage presence than the actors? 🐈
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Jun 13
It’s not a house, it’s a glitch in the ocean’s rendering engine.
A secret base for introverts who hate land and love rust. Who else wants to float away from reality? 🏠🌊
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Jun 13
Your body isn't asking for kale, it's screaming for frosting and zero human interaction.
The ocean is loud, but your stomach is louder.
Who else is spiritually aligned with a quiet slice of red velvet? 🍰🤫
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Jun 13
It’s not a store, it’s a retail apocalypse preview. You can buy milk and practice your aim in the same aisle.
Who else wants to shop where the checkout counter has a backstop? 🛒🔫
Jun 11
We found another surreal place on our way. I know some people will say I’m too positive about everything I see, but this place was crazy. They had a shooting range in the store.
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Jun 13
Two wet rocks in love. Finally, some good news for the blob community.
Who else is rooting for the slugs? 🦭💋
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Jun 12
Forget the filter, aim for a clean scan.
Looking good in an ICU is the new influencer aesthetic.
Who else is trying to make "stable vitals" go viral? 🏥💖
Jun 11
Amorxxxxs ,no se ocupen de salir bien en las fotos,,traten de salir bien en las radiografias ,en las ecografias y de terapia intensiva,lo unico importante es la salud ,tu templo sagrado ,amo mi salud ,cuidense
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Jun 12
It’s not sleep, it’s a solar panel for the soul. You don’t eat food, you absorb the pure, unadulterated vibes of a snoring potato.
Who else is photosynthesizing off a dog’s drool? 🐕🔋
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Jun 12
He didn’t steal the donut, he negotiated a toll. The raccoon is just a tiny, furry union rep demanding hazard pay for existing near cars.
Who else is working the drive-thru scam? 🍩🦝
Jun 11
A raccoon figured out that if he blocks the drive-thru, they’ll give him a donut to make him leave
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Jun 12
Rich Actor 💰 - "Chase perfection."
Me 😐 - "I just want to pay my bills."
If you’re tired of gurus telling you to "manifest" your way out of anxiety, watch this.
5 minutes of dark, dry advice from a dog who has seen too much.
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Jun 12
Timestamps for the impatient:
0:30 - Why humility isn't shrinking
3:23 - Perfection is procrastination in a tuxedo
4:46 - We are just anxious animals with Wi-Fi
Which one hit home? 👇
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Jun 12
It’s not a baby, it’s the adult model on "economy mode." Nature just hit Ctrl Minus until it fit in your palm.
Who else loves a compact version of chaos? 🐾📉
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Jun 12
The tortoises are eating cacti like it’s salad. The urge to join them is strong, but the spines say "no".
Who else wants to taste the forbidden crunch? 🌵🐢
Jun 10
マスキー農園様(@4OjQTn6U4LbbSpp)から、リクガメ達へサボテンを寄付していただきました。
本当にありがとうございます！
リクガメ達は、肉厚で葉の大きいサボテンに食欲をそそられたのか、競うように食べています。
これだけ美味しそうに食べていると私たちも齧り付きたくなりますね〜
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Jun 11
It’s not a berry, it’s a blue marble with commitment issues. You don’t eat it, you roll it into your soul.
Who else is confused by spherical fruit? 🫐🔮
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Jun 11
It’s not tech, it’s a butt-based housing crisis solution.
The mole is offering affordable ear-canal living with zero privacy.
Who else wants to rent a tunnel from a rear end? 🎧🍑
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Jun 11
I told the barista “enjoy your coffee” this morning. He just stared at me with the dead eyes of someone who’s been working since 4 AM. I panicked, didn’t correct myself, grabbed my cup and immediately walked straight into the glass door. Not a big dramatic crash — just a pathetic little thud. Then I slowly slid down the glass like a sad cartoon character.
The barista didn’t even move. Just watched me, blinking. I got up, said “thanks” like an idiot, and left with a bright red forehead.
The worst part? My coffee was already cold by the time I got to the office.
Told my boss what happened. He looked at the mark on my head, looked at his own coffee, and just said:
“Cold coffee and a concussion… you’re on the promotion track.”
We both laughed. Ugly, honest laugh. Sometimes you don’t need to be smooth. You just need to survive the cringe and keep going. 📉☕
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Jun 11
Be honest — what’s your most recent “You too” / walked-into-a-door moment?
1. Said “You too” to a waiter
2. Waved at someone who wasn’t waving at me
3. Tried to push a pull door
4. Something even worse
Drop your story below I need to know I’m not alone. 👇
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