I am 67.3% certain I once saw Jeremy Paxman eating a sandwich at Warwick Castle.
Joined August 2020
- Tweets 37,576
- Following 314
- Followers 18,123
- Likes 88,511
6,477 Photos and videos
30 Apr 2025
I don’t wish to boast but I have just received my enhanced DBS check which clearly shows that I’m not, nor have I ever been, a wrong ‘un. I do think you should get a badge with your certificate, though. Something similar to the Desperate Dan Pie-Eater’s Club would be great.
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15 Dec 2024
Best Christmas gathering with the best people and a multitude of Santas.
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24 Nov 2024
Xwitter is like a toxic ex (X) whom you’re unable to move on from. You find a new relationship (Bluesky) but even though you know there’s a huge risk you’ll get upset (stupid block removal) you are drawn back due to sentimentality, hoping they’ve changed (reinstated blocking).
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12 Nov 2024
1. I’m not leaving this hellsite, I’ll just be over “where the sky is blue” a lot more
2. The reason for 1. is because Xwitter is
vitriolic
3. Someone said I was ‘attention seeking’ by ‘announcing’ I’m leaving. Well, d’uh! I’m on Xwitter! We all seek attention and validation!
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12 Nov 2024
*picks up suitcase filled with ‘hilarious’ ‘jokes’ and takes a last look the fire engulfed cesspit that Xwitter has become.
If anyone wants me…
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11 Nov 2024
A Poem.
Muthk, you’ve killed off Twitter
You’ve made this hellsite shitter
Not sure if you’ve a nonsense plan
Or if you are just bitter
I hope you’re satisfied
That Twitter has now died
We’re off to sites where we don’t pay
To become verified.
©️Flups
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10 Nov 2024
I am, quite frankly, livid that the weekend has been allowed to end without me winning the lottery once again, meaning I have to go to work tomorrow which is absolutely ridiculous. The fact that I didn’t buy a ticket is irrelevant, I am FURIOUS!
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10 Nov 2024
Whatever happened to all the sucker MCs who were extremely prevalent in the late eighties? Perhaps they’ve all had to learn a new skill? Mind you, having sucker MC experience would serve someone well if they were in charge of the customer service tannoy in Tesco.
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10 Nov 2024
Feral Loin Fruit™️: *in unison* “I have absolutely no clothes and need new underwear”
Me: *picks up and folds pair number two hundred from a mountain of freshly washed pants*
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10 Nov 2024
“Excuse me, shopkeep, I’d like a litre of your finest shimmies please”
“I’m afraid they are only sold in flounces”
“What about a box of prances?”
“I’m sorry but we only sell them in sashays”
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10 Nov 2024
Well, that’s my Christmas Day outfit sorted for this year.
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10 Nov 2024
Me aged 18: “Who are you?”
Me aged 51: “I am you from 2024”
18: “So, tell me, what is my life like? Is it exciting?”
51: “Not exactly. You spend Sunday afternoons putting your vast amount of medication into daily pill boxes whilst watching videos of blackheads being squeezed”
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10 Nov 2024
I am an annoying itch
A little irritating bitch
Appearing when your hands are full
Or when you’ve just got comfortable
In bed, that’s when I will attack
And cause a tickle on your back
Soon my fun goes down the hatch
When you killjoys give me a scratch.
©️Flups
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10 Nov 2024
If anyone wants me, I’m the sweaty, knackered mess lying on the floor.
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10 Nov 2024
Tree towels, surely?
*also mumbles something about Christmas Dry and washailing*
10 Nov 2024
Festive plea to use tea towels to wrap gifts bbc.in/40Fhyaw
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10 Nov 2024
*I have woken up with the Carpenters ‘Calling Occupants Of Interplanetary Craft’ in my head only ‘calling occupants’ has changed to ‘Colin octopus’.
Also, big time Mandela Effect as I’ve just discovered it’s simply ‘Carpenters’ there’s no ‘The’ beforehand.
*not literally
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