I'm not lame.
Joined December 2012
- Tweets 12,619
- Following 679
- Followers 822
- Likes 13,899
1,715 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
11 Nov 2022
The future of Twitter is imbued with great uncertainty. With this in mind, I think it is time to tweet what could be my magnum opus.
This is the plot to my horse movie titled, “Peaches”. 🧵
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4 Dec 2024
Gun violence is reprehensible, but we will probably see more action taken against it in response to this, as opposed to when this type of stuff happens to children in elementary schools.
4 Dec 2024
UnitedHealthcare (health insurance company) CEO Brian Thompson gunned down in midtown Manhattan. He died.
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12 Nov 2024
At 2-8, my fantasy football team is absolute dog-water, but I could easily be .500 this season. Here’s how:
🧵1/256
11 Nov 2024
The Chiefs are undefeated, but very easily could be under .500 this season
A thread on how their season could have been flipped upside down
🧵 1/9
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8 Oct 2024
A weather-machine-gone-bad is the plot of a Disney Channel Original Movie, and there is a sitting member of Congress who believes in it
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1 Sep 2024
Baby Gronk no! They’re Costco guys! They’ll kill you!
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10 Aug 2024
Raygun won’t see your tweets dissing their sweet moves, but your friends getting into amateur competitive breakdancing will
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21 Jul 2024
The man is an oracle
21 Jul 2024
All jokes aside, this has to be studied… Nick Castellanos going deep every single time there is a tragedy or something newsworthy is legitimately unlike anything I’ve ever seen in sports history. There can’t be any type of logical explanation. No words.
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18 Jul 2024
I did not realize we had adopted Whoville into the Union
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17 May 2024
It is a bad day to be a jaguar
Not a word Harrison Butker says here should be remotely controversial. He’s 100% correct.
Those trying to convince women that being assistant VP of lending & intentionally childless at age 40 is more fulfilling than making a family and home are evil.
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13 May 2024
This is what they wrote the X-Men about
This tweet is unavailable
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10 Apr 2024
Just finished “Anyone But You”. I don’t remember much, but I’m so glad Natasha Bedingfield got her flowers
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25 Mar 2024
This is 100% just an incentive to get you to bet more money on offensive plays
25 Mar 2024
Now unanimously banned, against the objections of the NFLPA:
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13 Mar 2024
(Me, breaking the law by giving illegal, unlicensed tours in Italy) So, orzo was *actually* the Italian answer to rice! 💁♂️
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23 Feb 2024
Nothing has radicalized me more than the price of a 12-pack of Pepsi being $11
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7 Feb 2024
*opening riff to “Fast Car” plays*
You’ve got a fat hog
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30 Jan 2024
My newest conspiracy is that the storybook relationship of Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce is actually just one long buildup to a Coca Cola commercial at the Super Bowl
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