"I'M VERY HOT AND UNCOMFORTABLE." "Maybe you shouldn't be sat on the sofa with a whole duvet across your lap then?" "NO. THE TEMPERATURE JUST NEEDS TO REDUCE TO COMFORTABLY ACCOMMODATE MY WEIRD NEEDS. I SHALL JUST SWEAT IN THE MEANTIME."

Good Morning.

This photo is incredible.

Trump: *Gets arrested for robbing a bank at gunpoint* Republicans: "Wow, so it's illegal to go to a bank and get some money now."

A few months ago I was contacted by management for Harry Styles asking whether I would consider doing his portrait. I didn’t really know of his celebrity at the time so I said yes but I wish I hadn’t cause the whole thing has been a disaster.  He came to my holiday home in padstow and sat for two days but I only spent about 20 minutes on the picture in the end cause I had an issue with my russell hobbs fridge/freezer and so I had to defrost it and I realised there was some diced goat going off so I made massaman curry. Anyway I thought I’d done a good job of the pic but his management were quite cross and one of them said ‘it’s Harry Styles not Jeremy Beadle's face on a fucking egg’ and Harry just awkwardly kept saying it was an honour to meet me whilst not eating his curry. They didn't take the painting so I spoke to the National Portrait Gallery on the phone and they said they don’t take unsolicited submissions and it was hard to make a judgement on a call so I went in in person and the girl on the desk was really nice but said she wasn’t sure I was what they were looking for and she also said she didn’t want any goat massaman curry because she’s a vegetarian.

The bellends whining climate change is a hoax because it's raining in the UK remind of the people that don't understand how snow works. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF YOUR RURAL LANE TO FIX MY BOILER BECAUSE OF THE SNOW? MY GRITTED MAIN ROAD IS FINE. STOP MAKING EXCUSES."

Aliens. DISAGREE AND YOU'RE DEAD TO ME.

Yes. Do I get a sticker?

It's holiday season so of course a couple with their camper van thought it acceptable to break my fence and camp overnight on my land. They are now blocked in with our small tractor, should be fun when they wake up.

Jacob Rees-Mogg

"A REAL MAN WOULD HAVE RUBBED WASABI IN HIS EYES AND LET SOME ANGRY LOBSTERS HAVE A GO ON HIS TESTICLES FOR A LAUGH." I have to say that seeking assistance for a mental health issue seems more reasonable.

I'm knees go waaaaaaa years old.

Mate, twitter is proper shit now. All I see is transphobes and right wing morons spouting bollocks. Where's the news? I miss this place being where I go to find out what's happening in the world. I don't care what Deborah thinks about toilet cubicles.

Turnip. The newest slur in town. 🤣