Joined August 2016
- Tweets 77,689
- Following 3,784
- Followers 5,294
- Likes 80,351
3,021 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
26 Sep 2021
that's exactly what a dead body would say
25
1,447
10,926
weekend twitr retweeted
DAVE LETTERMAN: Paul, you watching the World Cup?
PAUL SHAFFER: The beautiful game.
DAVE LETTERMAN: Right now, the hookers in Times Square are offering a FIFA special. For an extra $5, you get a three-minute hydration break.
PAUL SHAFFER: *plays opening of "Seven Nation Army"*
14
124
1,462
97,432
weekend twitr retweeted
These translations are getting better and better š
42
2,426
42,358
1,209,757
weekend twitr retweeted
āWhere is Vader today?ā
āHeās paying the Rebel Alliance $300 billion dollars after defeating them completely, every day for the last four months, sir.ā
34
1,616
12,881
259,120
weekend twitr retweeted
āI have totally defeated you and also transferred $300 billion dollars into your bank accountā
83
2,240
13,812
229,769
weekend twitr retweeted
Rob Schneider Bullied a dwarf so much in school he wouldnāt go out in public throughout his adult life. Not a fan of Robās after that
Rob Schneider is putting his money behind the message.
The Hollywood star says he'll cover any potential fines for MLB players who wear Bible verses on their uniforms after league officials warned three San Francisco Giants pitchers who displayed Bible references on their Pride Night caps.
The moment has quickly turned into a bigger fight over religious expression, league rules, and where MLB draws the line on what players can show on the field.
372
186
5,580
1,086,438
weekend twitr retweeted
Jun 15
Can y'all pls stop calling this app twitter? Thanks.
99
10,584
211,221
2,338,808
weekend twitr retweeted
a maior vitĆ³ria da Inglaterra nessa copa vai ser conseguir voltar viva pra casa
Jun 14
The England squad were told to shelter indoors on Saturday evening after a tornado warning was issued in Kansas City.
The players and staff also received an automated warning message on their phones saying 'Severe Thunderstorm Warning' [@TheAthleticFC]
127
7,487
71,969
1,164,103
weekend twitr retweeted
First day on the job and the CEO already trusts me to go get apple gift cards for him
79
923
36,651
1,189,873
weekend twitr retweeted
so thereās this city called Los Angeles
The more videos I see, the more im convinced Koreans and Mexicans belong together.
56
2,874
43,239
1,073,651
weekend twitr retweeted
Jun 15
told my teenage coworker iām going to a concert next week and he went āyouāre probably gonna go see some old shit like simon and garfunkelā and he was right iām seeing paul simon
136
3,194
125,560
1,174,832
weekend twitr retweeted
Scotland : Partying with Bostonians
South Korea: Getting drunk with Mexicans
Freddy: Red carpet tour through the South
England:
Jun 14
The England squad were told to shelter indoors on Saturday evening after a tornado warning was issued in Kansas City.
The players and staff also received an automated warning message on their phones saying 'Severe Thunderstorm Warning' [@TheAthleticFC]
320
2,969
44,006
1,670,406
weekend twitr retweeted
Jun 14
Kinda funny how England is having just the worst time here lol
Jun 14
The England squad were told to shelter indoors on Saturday evening after a tornado warning was issued in Kansas City.
The players and staff also received an automated warning message on their phones saying 'Severe Thunderstorm Warning' [@TheAthleticFC]
497
6,332
127,452
5,221,455
weekend twitr retweeted
Jun 14
āI like knock knock jokes. You ever hear a knock knock joke Conan?ā
*pause* Conan stares holding back a laugh
āOnce or twiceā
āKnock knockā
ā*laughs* Whose there?ā
āIt's the police ma'am. Your son has been hit by a drunk driver. He's dead."
Jun 13
The part in joker where he tells a knock knock joke on live tv where the punchline is "it's the police ma'am, your son is dead" feels exactly like something Norm would do to Conan
48
1,431
33,962
1,510,545
weekend twitr retweeted
Jun 13
I dunno. I get it. Iām not thrilled, but I get it.
104
97
5,148
166,174
weekend twitr retweeted
Jun 13
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE PARAGUAY IS
572
5,186
119,327
7,680,113
weekend twitr retweeted
Jun 13
Due to popular demand, we will forgo our national anthem.
9
163
2,179
36,803
The World Cup just proves that people around the world want to chill, drink, eat, and bullshit together
Algerians doing jigs in Kansas... Brits eating barbecue in Texas... Koreans doing full on kegstands in Mexico... just goes to show that the entire world can be united by the simple concept of getting really drunk and watching a sporting event
26
1,521
16,065
523,064
weekend twitr retweeted
Jun 12
Jun 12
There is no data center on Earth that's worth the bees, water, and trees.
6
4,548
22,270
175,405